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Thursday, October 15, 2009

what!? another post? so soon?

i know! a rare and appreciated happening... for the 3-6 people that read this occasionally... and the 1-3 that really care.

it's almost one in the morning. i'm not sleepy.

midnight musings
[excuse me, mr brown? like amusing? (if you haven't seen this movie* yet - go and do.)]

speaking of that movie... + others of the variety.
there is something so very tragic embedded in the verified stereotype of girls loving chick flicks.
my senior english teacher would criticize them saying, "have you seen the new julia roberts movie? i hear she ends up with the guy."
at least for me, something has changed in the way i appreciate these films.
i used to be able to fully appreciate them and join in the audible "awwww..." as the credits began to roll.
i felt a surge of hope and joy and empathy - knowing full well that one day i'd find my very own richard gere/matthew mcconaughey/heath ledger/george clooney (last's one for you, mom)
now... not so much. i feel the joy from the movie, but it's mostly empathetic.
as the credits roll i feel sort of... empty. i yearn more and more for that thing they showed exists.
i close my eyes and imagine and can almost feel his arm around me and can almost gaze into his
eyes and can almost be in that moment.

a single girl my age possessed of all eligibility must be in want of a husband.

now here's the riddle:
do i feel this way because i truly desire to fulfill my yearnings, or is it the effects of the media
and other surroundings?

when i think about what i want to do in my life, those feelings disappear or at least subdue.
which i think is strange.

spoiler alert - except not really if you are familiar with the life of the protagonists
when i was watching the movie and the hero comes to his fate, and his love progresses through
her grief to the point where she literally cannot breathe i couldn't help but start to wonder.
that depth - will i ever feel that depth of love for another person? daring to jump into the deep
center of the lake with him and if i come up and he isn't there, it would be the same as if trying to breathe beneath the surface.
(tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air / can't live, can't breath with no air / that's how i feel whenever you ain't there / it's no air, no air...)

i think that i may have an addiction to these chick flicks. i feel great while in the moment but once it's over i feel like crap and all i want to do is watch another one.

i can't be the only one...

*bright star

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

um... i'm still alive.

the other day i was talking to my mom and i guess i said something about something or other that made me sad. her reply was the following:
"you know what makes me sad?" she then opened up the "mini" and opened up my blog. it had been exactly a month since my last post.
i would apologize but nothing really all that exciting happens in my life. i work every day from 8:30 to 5:30. 5:15 - 5:30 is pretty much the worst 15 minutes of my life every single day. there always seems to be nothing to do except earn an extra $3 - probably the $3 of that last hour that is going to the government anyway.

however.

because life is the way life is there are the occasional humorous moments that make each day bearable:
i drew this on september 10th. don't mind the lack of face - i can't draw faces. the box underneath reads, "practically perfect in every way." i was very proud of myself for drawing this from memory. i came home and showed everybody.
this guy at my office is really good at
complimenting people... in fact, i'm pretty
sure that it's part of his job or something.
anyway... he told me i'm the
"perfect package"
he then began listing why i'm awesome.
i discovered i don't really like being complimented -
especially in list form.
i fill at least one page full of these "swirlies" everyday. i was about 1/4 done with a page the other day and lucy from billing comes over and asks, "hey, do you ever sit here with nothing to do?"
... ... ...
i looked at her, i looked at my paper, and i looked at her.
she handed me a stack of unsealed envelopes and a sealing contraption, "thanks!"
the sealing contraption is pretty much really cool. and now i get to use it every day!
another lady came over and said, "hey... i was told if i ask really nicely that you would do [such and such thing] for me."
"... i accept bribes."
"oh..."
"i like chocolate."
"um..."
"my name is wistie and i will be taking care of this for you."
[insert forced ha ha ha] "thank you"
i don't think she gets me - and she still hasn't gotten me chocolate.
i'm hoping that word will go around that i will do tasks for people so that i don't have to stare into the abyss of my computer screen and sink slowly into madness. especially when people who already have caught wind of this and i see them coming and i welcome them into my spacious cubicle with a hearty, "yes!!" complete with at least one of my arms raising my fist in the air at roughly a 95-100 degree angle.

i have no picture to introduce this next anecdote. i don't think one is necessary. it was 5:26 or so. i hadn't anything to do except dare the time to move slower - i always lose - and i get the last call of the day. now for those of you not familiar - i am a receptionist at a regular, run of the mill law firm in mesa, az.
after regurgitating the greeting i awaited a response from the caller and heard this: "is [law firm name] an lds law firm?"
i don't know how many seconds i sat there in silence.
"i... um... how did you hear about our firm?"
"i found you in the lds yellow pages."
there's a mormon yellow pages?
"i know that some of our attorneys are lds, ma'am...."
and the conversation went on from there about how any of our attorneys would be competent to assist her or something and the department she will be transferred to is actually lds free...
my mind is still boggling.

besides work... there's church and it's corresponding ysa activities, institute, meeting new people and maintaining some part of the social butterfly i once was. but i must remind myself that butterflies don't live long - "but three summer days" as john keats said.

Friday, September 11, 2009

morbid thinking...

i was thinking today. i have a lot of time to do that nowadays. i was thinking about what would happen if i die tomorrow. morbid? maybe.
this is what i came up with:

i hope they have my funeral over a weekend. that way more people will come and they can make a weekend trip out of it... to arizona - not everyone's favorite vacation spot but there's sedona and the sunsets to enjoy at least.

even though i don't really care about what people think of me, i'm still a little curious to know. of course people will say nice things about me, it is my funeral and all but i hope people are honest - even if i find things out that aren't the most pleasant things to hear.

a big part of me doesn't want a long funeral because i hate long funerals and i don't want to be stitting there forever. however, maybe it won't seem so long if all they are doing is talking about me. i just hope there are a lot of people there. i hope there will me. i've met a lot of people in my life. i just hope they thought enough of me to show up.

burial. that is how i want to be disposed of - in the dirt. dust to dust. i want flowers to be planted over my body. red flowers, i don't care which kind - change them up every once in a while. i think this is just a really cool idea.

you know how you make good friends based on an experience you shared or a time period you went throught together. por ejemple: your college roommates - that group of people you went white water rafting with for two weeks - fellow summer camp survivors - etc. i wonder if it will be like that in heaven. i'm sure we had our friends before we came down here. are we going to have to endure that whole awkward thing when an old, pre-mortal friend is introduced to a new, earth fried?
"ahem, so... how do you know wistie?"
"oh you know... we hung out a lot on earth."
"oh ya? well, did you know her before?"
"no. i heard about her from a friend but - not really."
"ya, that's what i thought. maybe you should go reunite with that friend."
"say what now?"
and then, of course, a brawl would ensue.

basically, thinking about my funeral was kind of fun for me today. as long as it's simple, i'll be happy. there's no need for anyone to get all stressed out on my account.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

la vita e bella


my favorite movie life is beautiful - with the english subtitles. most everyone that i have polled seem to love this movie or they hate it because it is so sad. maybe that says something about me - my favorite movie is a tragic comedy.
does this sound familiar: "life's not fair and then you die."?
i think this movie is an epitome of that phrase, a phrase i have been raised to believe in and to lean on.

even though this is my favorite move, i do not own my own copy. i think i did at one point, or at least i imagined i did but it got lost in the mess of moving to different apartments and states and back over the last couple of years. i've given a copy or two away as gifts to friends/roommates but something is hindering me in accumulating my own copy. but i digress...

one of the scenes most memorable to me is when the two would-be lovers are out galavanting through the town and towards the end of the evening he turns to her an sincerely says his instinctive desires to her but because of their obvious connection, it is a beautiful sentiment and it endears him to her. he says that he would never say this to her in a million years whilst he is doing such a thing.
there is something so real and tangible about that moment.
even though they hadn't really settled into a relationship, he was so in love with her already and so comfortable that he could say that.

anyway... that's one of the many things i had time to contemplate about yesterday during my work day.

p.s. i mix up my 'b's and 'v's when i type - i think my mexicanness has something to do with this.

Friday, September 4, 2009

perspective.

so... my new job... can i very truthfully and honestly say that i am grateful to have an income. that being said. here's a story i wrote during work the other day.

once upon a time there was the longest day in the history of long days. was it the summer equinox? oh no, no it was not. it was the

second day of august, 2009. there was not any time added to the day, it was the regular 24 hours. why, then did it seem to miss marie

to be the longest day in the history of long days? well, i'll tell you, if you promise to not have a day like miss marie had that one

day that was the longest day in the history of long days.

her alarm went off at half past six, like it normally does. however, but also not unusual, miss marie pressed the "snooze" button over

and over again until 7:03, whereupon she finally arose to get ready for the day. she took what seemed to be a long shower but when she

emerged wet and clean, it was only 7:07. "curious" thought she and continued on her way. after getting ready, a task that usually

requires a full 35 minutes, give or take, miss marie looked at the time and realized that it was only half past seven.

"i must be getting faster." she said aloud and continued on her way, after eating breakfast, reading an article, and preparing her

lunch, miss marie was ready to leave for work and it was only 7:50! she didn't need to leave for another fifteen minutes. miss marie

felt as though she had been awake for hours and wondered if her family had played a trick on her and changed the time but every clock

she faced and everyone she asked, the time seemed to be correct. finally, the clock revealed that it was time to leave and so miss

marie got in her car and went to work. even with the construction on many roads and being stuck at many stoplights, miss marie arrived

at work ten minutes early.

"what an odd day." was the only thing miss marie could think of to explain her morning thus far and so she continued on her way.

the morning seemed to drag on and on for miss marie. every hour seemed like three and by the time her morning break came along it

seemed to her that it was time to go home for the day. she waited at her desk for a phone call to come in, it was a rarety on this day.

the time between caused miss marie to feel herself age. finally miss marie's lunch hour came, she knew that this time would pass

quickly, as it usually did every day. but today, as she sat and ate her sandwhich, she kept looking at the clock, and every time she

did, only five minutes had passed. she finished her sandwhich with 40 minutes to go until she could return to her desk. sitting there,

staring out the window, miss marie almost felt as though she were in pain with the time stuck in molasses.

She finally returned to her desk and waited an eternity for a phone call. and then another for the next until finally her afternoon

break rolled around. during this break she went outside her office building to let out a long and loud scream, "aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

ok, i feel a little better." and then she continued on her way.understandably, miss marie was frustrated with the time today, what

could she have done to make it stick around for so long? what did she do to upset it so to drag his feet? after miss marie finally

returned to her desk, she hoped that the last two hours of her work day would change the pace from the rest of the day.

unfortunately for miss marie, it did not. with nothing to encourage time to go faster, miss marie was getting antsy. finally, an hour

passed and miss marie could hardly sit still. her voice became frantic, to the shocking of every client calling in.

at last, there was five minutes until miss marie could go home. tapping her desk, five taps to every second, she barely could contain

her anticipation. she continued to stare at the clock, daring it to slow down. the clock accepted every dare, on every minute, five

times. just as the clock turned its hands to 5:30, miss marie was out the door and in her car - a task that took her about five

minutes everyday, today only took about 30 seconds.

miss marie was speedily back at home. she soon found that she was done eating dinner at 6:30, an hour and half before she usually is.

she had no plans for the evening and so changed positions on her couch, attempting to discover the most comfortable one. at 7:00, miss

marie changed couches, and did the same activity. by 8:30, miss marie had sat in every position she could think of on every couch in

her home. she decided that she would try to go to bed even though it was an hour and a half earlier than she normally would retire.

miss marie brushed her teeth, washed her face, and brushed her hair and was laying in bed by 8:35, how she did all that activity in

five minutes, she'll never understand.

as miss marie lay in bed, she stared at the ceiling, willing her mind into unconsciousness; but to no avail. hours at the rate of days

passed by until miss marie's body and mind surrendered to slumber. even her dreams seemed to linger longer than normal this day.

she awoke to her alarm at half passed six the next morning, hoping against all hope that today would not be a single thing like

yesterday.

it seemed that everything today was more bright and more beautiful. her home was clean, the sun was bright, and the sky was the

loveliest shade of sky blue miss marie had ever seen. her shower water was the perfect temperature, the music on the radio was all her

favorites, and there was hardly any traffic on her way to work. As she walked into her office building, everyone greeted her with a

smile. she was able to help every client above and beyond and before she even knew it, it was time for lunch, which whizzed by as did

her afternoon. before she even found time to glance at the clock, it was time for miss marie to return home.

upon arriving home, she received a call from a dear old friend who was in town. they spent the evening together laughing and

remembering old times, and gazing at the phenomenal sunset on the horizon

miss marie went straight to bed when she got home, only regretting that she didn't have more time to admire the beauty of the day.

looking forward to another great day tomorrow, starting promptly and half past six, miss marie continued on her way.

the end.


i am an optimist

Thursday, August 27, 2009

No big brother.

the last 5 minutes of my shift:
5:25 the longest 5 minutes of my life!
i remember how i got in trouble when i worked at the bookstore for doing this for an entire
shift... awesome.
5:26 that took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to change to a 6
5:27 no phone call thus far - tempted to log out of my phone early... so very tempted
why is '7' like the universal lucky number?
5:28 eight, eight! eight is great! so much to appreciate! (i made that up)
i had a delicious lunch today with mommy.
5:29 uno more minuto. i sabe spanish! sí, es yo do.
i'm getting antsy!
Aaaaa!!
5:30 sweet freedom!


when i came home tonight i went into change into the pjs and my sister was in bed... lying like a dead body in a coffin... i almost went to check if she was living but then she moved to a normal looking sleeping position.

Monday, August 24, 2009

"Life's not fair. And then you die."

i've heard this phrase for the extended period of my life.
usually, when these words shoot from the tongue of my mother, i cringe.

imagine the shock and awe i felt when i felt my own tongue and lips formed the words and that box in my throat supplied the sound for them today.

it was in jest, but even so...

so then i stopped paying attention to this lady who was showing me how to do something at work to think about the meaning behind the phrase:
does this mean that life is fair after we die?
or
does this mean that because life isn't fair that we die?
or
does the second sentence represent the end all of an idea or concept and therefore meaning that life isn't fair, the end.

there are my three points for a 3/5 essay.
i'd like to see it on my desk by friday at midnight. that gives you four days.
not fair?

and then you die.

Friday, August 7, 2009

are you for real?

when i was a senior in high school i began having these moments i call, "whoa..." moments. when i started my first day of my last year of high school, "whoa..."
started applying for college, "whoa..."
got my acceptance letter to byu, "whoa..."
bought things for college, "whoa..."
graduated from high school, "whoa..."
moved out of my parent's house, "whoa..."
paid my own rent, "whoa..."
had my own apartment, "whoa..."
slept in my own apartment, "whoa..."
sat in my college class, "whoa..."
just got up and left out of a pointless lecture, "whoa..."
went to the grocery store to buy my own food, "whoa..."
have a guy friend come back from his mission, "whoa..." etc....
i think i have run out of "whoa..." moments. relief? maybe. weird... not so much. i think that i have fully accepted the fact that i am an adult. and i like it.

however...

lately i feel like i have almost been forced to devolve. i came home for the summer and i didn't automatically realize it but some of the things that i had felt i earned by being an adult were taken away from me. i have to answer to people, my decisions are dependent on others' decisions, etc...
i don't want to pull out the old cliché but seriously, i feel like i am being treated like a child.
so now i am experiencing moments i am calling, "what?" moments. or for you more modern slang type, "are you for real?" moments.
i even got the urge to do something because someone told me specifically not to do it. i retreated back to rebellious teenage urges (which by the way, i never had as a teenager), "well, i'm going to do that anyway, what can they do about it?" (i didn't do it... i came back to logical thinking).
so i'm frustrated at the moment. simply put.
"whoah..." moments were freeing, although intimidating, and i felt 100% awesome with those.
"what?"/ "are you for real?" moments... well i don't like them, at all.

-5% awesome.

i have a rep to protect! how am i supposed to maintain my cool factor if i have a constant compulsion to roll my eyes? because, as we all know by a "whoah..." moment we have all experienced: how you look is the most important thing in life, right?
or is that teenage philosophy?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

r-r-random.

alright i thought i would share a couple of videos that i have really like lately, they make me happy.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

it's raining, it's pouring

growing up i thought that little kids were supposed to be scared of things and run to their parents' room to sleep in their bed for comfort.
so i did.
"mom, i had a bad dream."
"ok, what was scary about it?"
"... ... monsters..."
"ok, hop in."
their bed was more comfortable but... i wasn't really frightened by anything.

i never understood why people were afraid of thunder and lightning. i always liked it, i would get excited to just sit on the porch and anxiously wait to see the instant shock of awesomness
and count the seconds until it's sound found my ears.

last night, my mom and sister came to my room and woke me up.
"what? why are you here?"
"it's raining, and thundering."
"oh."
i wasn't as welcoming to them as my mom had been to me with my "monsters."

after realizing that it was 4:30 in the morning and avoiding the grumpy feelings fighting it's way
in. this was easier after the room was instantly let by real electric light that amplified the pittering of the rain outside and then i felt the house shake with the roar of the skies.
i was quickly outside to feel the rain on my skin and feel the thunder through my own frame.

i was still tired so i very soon went back to my bed, soaked, and was hushed to sleep by the lullaby of the heavens.