beat it.

all of my life someone has always been there saying that i could achieve my dreams if i work hard enough. even if i doubt sometimes, there is always this huge part of me that really, truly believes that.

last night was the first time that i really, sincerely felt that the people that were surrounding me didn't believe that i could achieve what i aspire to. 

i don't get offended easily but i was last night. 

those people realized that i was mad at their comments because i don't really argue a point

 unless i feel really strongly for it and i was last night. so they finally decided that they didn't want to argue with me anymore so they said, "ok, well, you should definitely do it and try.""do or do not. there is no try."

whatever. i won't be thanking you at the emmy's. 

this scenario added to other things that has happened the last couple of days has left me really heated. i'm always very careful with how i say things because i don't want to offend people. i've grown quite crafty at getting my opinion out there without having to offend people. but with some people, i've noticed i've had to try harder with some than others, and so they never really knew how i felt about things. 

so... question:

is it better to not let people know what's really going on so the hate doesn't spread or is it better 

to get it all out there?

i don't know. 

i've just decided to remove myself from these negative environments, not the people, just the environments. i shouldn't have to deal with that, and i'm not. so there.

in other news...

i'm changing my car's name from fernando to hoit. i just realized that i have no idea what that word means so i looked it up: haughty or snobbish. the archaic form is frolicsome. 

i love it. 

quote from the other day:

"i just think that someone who has a show like that has problems at home: drugs, mistress... methlab? i'm just saying."

"i cannot adequately speak english at this point in time."

tomorrow...

tomorrow... 

it represents a myriad of things, sure. 

hope

excuse

extension

faith

procrastination

"on the day after today"

possibility

my mother told me today that i don't talk. i just don't think that's true.

she wants me to talk about my feelings or something. 

i told her i am sad. 

i asked her if she wanted a report of what i did everyday. i just don't think that's necessary. 

she said that she would like me to tell her something. my argument? i do. 

tomorrow my brother gets to go somewhere that i really want to go. i didn't realize how badly i really desired this until i heard my mother talk to him on the phone about what he is going to do... tomorrow. i just listened and felt the sadness creep its way in. i let it go, i let myself feel it because i have been avoiding it, i haven't let myself feel that sadness.

tomorrow my favorite roommate goes through the temple for the first time. 

tomorrow night is her bachelorette party. 

tomorrow's tomorrow she gets married. 

and i have to miss it. 

so... i'm sad. 

i'm not depressed. 

i'm just... sad. 

this is me being honest... me being vulnerable. 

i don't do that. i don't allow myself to be vulnerable. 

i really only let myself really feel things in private. (this is kind of hard when i've shared a room for the last two years of my life ;P)

maybe that's why...

today.

it represents reality. 

truth. 

fear. 

ugly. 

beauty. 

"this present day."

everything.

my mother told me today that i don't talk. i think i say plenty. 

maybe it's my fault people aren't listening. 

today is thursday. 

old english origin: day of thunder. 

i heard it.

it wasn't cloudy today but i didn't enjoy it - the sun. i knew what today was. i knew what tomorrow could have been. i kept dwelling on too many yesterdays. 

today a friend of mine reunited with many people. i wasn't there. i'm strangely finding that a lot easier to deal with than missing the wedding. 

i don't know why. 

i don't regret my decision to come home - though it's been difficult. i keep reminding myself that there is a reason why i'm down here. 

yesterday. 

...

"on the day before today."

lessons

i look forward to tomorrow, i do. i'm just going to allow myself to feel the sadness. 

i'm going to allow myself to. 

now there's a weird sentence. 

sociology

alright, can i take a moment to do another critique on society? 

thanks.

i really believe that the media, all forms of it, represent society and its values. 

i think that we have made great progress in many areas. 

today's focus: feminism. gasp! 

i was watching becoming jane the other day and made the comment that i would have hated to live back then, especially as a woman. they had so many duties to fulfill to others. 

"what is she doing?"

"writing."

"can anything be done about it?" emphasis added

ahem?

books were the entertainment of the day and to put a woman in a successful vocation for that 

entertainment was, of course, ludicrous. add in the marriage pressure. marriage was how women measured their own success. 

have we changed?

enter into the world:

louisa may alcott

the bronte sisters

beatrix potter

margaret mitchell

lois lowry

maya angelou

to name a few.

today the main entertainment of the day is music. which brings me to the critique i mentioned earlier. 

a couple of years back i remember an episode of oprah where she had on a few rappers. they discussed that there is a problem with the music being demeaning to women. uh... amen. 

ok, i can forgive the rugged sex for having that state of mind, i can. however, i never thought that i would have to hear those of the "weaker" one demean themselves and soak the listeners in with the beat - this doesn't help the problem. 

por ejemplo:

"my life would suck without you" - kelly clarkson

basically... what this song is saying is: you left because you wanted anyone else but me but you came back and sort of said that you're sorry. i must have messed up somehow here but it's ok because you're back. my life would suck without you.

no. bad, kelly, bad. 

is this the sequel to "since you've been gone"? because in that song you were more than happy to get on with your life after he left you. what happened? 

(i confess to be a victim of being sucked into liking this song at first because of the beats... then i actually listened to it. my bad.)

por ejemple dos:

"please don't leave me" - pink 

same chick who sang that one song about how she's still a rockstar or something... now begging this kid not to leave, even though she has done all these horrible things to him. of course he's going to leave. first of all, girl, you cwazy. second of all, stop listing all these horrible things about yourself, especially if you don't want him to leave. 

por ejemplo tres:

lady gaga. one word: gross. a gross of gross. listening to her music may cause me to want to just dance, dance, dance; but i definitely do not want to be playing her love game or her 

version of texas hold 'em. add that to the outfits that she displays, nothing short of prostitution. 

por ejemple cuatro:

taylor swift. love her voice but... what the heck is her problem? is she really stuck in fairy tale land? p.s. you're not rapunzel, or sleeping beauty, or juliet. good luck finding a guy that really acts like one of those princes, as for me, i'd rather have someone who acts like one of those dwarves. no wonder "drew" never loved you. harsh? stop being a pansy!

what happened to songs like "R.E.S.P.E.C.T.," "think," and "i will survive"? do we have to rely on aretha for these messages?

no wonder songs like "don't trust me" are rampant on the airwaves, we're giving them permission to publish them.

i mean, a lot men are trying to remind us that we are pretty cool. "1, 2, 3, 4" - plain white tees, "come back to me" - david cook (not a pansy song), "she is love" - parachute, "everything" - lifehouse. to name a few. 

basically, i didn't think that we were headed into a regression, ladies. 

sorry to Abigail Adams, Margaret Sanger, Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Elizabeth Blackwell, Rosa Parks, Lucille Ball, Katharine Hepburn, etc. some of us are trying, i hope and promise.

some old wise lady told me that i wouldn't be happy in life unless i decided to be so. i'm the only one who can make me happy. no man is going to replace me, no one can. my mom's not old ;)

enter into the world: 

condoleeza rice

tina fey

meryl streep

diane keaten

wistie bowman?

15 days later

so. i'm 20 now. 

finally. 

i've been actually excited for getting older this year. i haven't been excited to get older since i turned 16. and that was so long ago. just kidding. i'm really excited to finally be able to say stuff like, "you know twenty years ago..." even though the only thing that happened to me twenty years ago was my birth and debut into the world. 

i asked for a camera. that's all i really wanted, and i didn't even get that. sheesh. my parents had to go and get me this:

i'll learn to deal with it. hee hee. 

it's red. i like red. 

driving manual is fun, so i'm told. i'm sure i'll agree once i stop stalling out of first. 

it was kinda funny because i open up what i thought was a camera box and there wasn't a camera in it. there was a black box that looked like it could've been a camera but when i picked it up it was a box with two car keys inside of it. i was like, "what?!" 

so i climbed into the red machine and ben got in the passenger seat and was like, "do you know how to drive a stick?"

"awe crap!"

 

i sorta know how to drive it. really i just stall out of first like a mentioned earlier. 

anyway, so basically i'm like a real adult... even though we tried to go somewhere last night for dinner and we couldn't eat there because we all weren't 21... lame. 

ok, so it may have been a bar... but so is outback, and applebees so step off mean lady at that one restaurant that i will never go to again.

well, i'm going to go practice my skillz in my ride... he isn't named yet. i'm working on it. it's gotta be good, because that's just how i roll.

adapting

change: to make or become different.

change. 

just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.  ~irene peter

i've changed. 

i'm not really mad about it. 

right now, i'm kinda sad because what things have come to pass because of it. 

i now just have to find my new place here. i'm ok with that, it's just hard. 

i feel that there is a lot of contention filling the air surrounding me. it's not fun. 

still looking for a job. 

liesel is not coming this weekend. she says next weekend, which will be better i guess, it's a longer weekend. 

i'm finding how much i enjoy my family, i forgot for some reason. they are pretty cool. 

they have this obsession with dr. mario, it's funny. we seem to go through phases with what games we love to play - right now it's dr. mario. spit will always be a classic, of course.

we no longer use a broom and mop. we use a vacuum and steam cleaner. it's a lot more fun. 

we recently painted my parent's bedroom. i actually enjoy painting rooms, i think it's fun. i could feel the tension because nobody was doing anything the right way (painting...) so finally i just shouted, "painting is supposed to fun!!!" of course, that set ben off, play-fighting ensued and i had paint all over, as did ben, and my mom. i like those relatives of mine sometimes. 

"...across the water, across the deep blue..."

so this week has been less than perfect, i could say. i never thought that i would miss provo, but i really do. i miss the people, i miss the ambience, and i miss the life i led there.

don't get me wrong, i love being home. i love the people, i love the ambience, and i love the life that i had here. 

everything has changed, i can't lead the same life because the same people aren't here. 

there has been more drama in my life in the last week and a half than i have experienced in the past year. you may think i am exaggerating, but i'm really, really not. 

on again off again relationships are going on that short list of pet peeves of mine. 

to make a long story short: i only have to wear one bridesmaid dress this summer.

i find myself tired all of the time. looking for a job has been very discouraging. 

so many things have been frustrating me. i used to go on hour-long walks to get out my frustration. i have found that going for a drive does the same thing but a lot faster. i think the adrenaline of the speed and the requirement of concentration helps clear my head faster. last night i went for a 2o minute drive and no one even noticed i had left. i'm not sure whether i should be proud of my stealthiness or be offended. i didn't blast any music, i just allowed everything to sink in, the lights, the pavement, my thoughts. i didn't realize how firm i was grasping the steering wheel until my right ring finger began to ache. 

mother's day wasn't exactly... successful. honestly, i'm still trying to understand what went so horribly wrong to invoke the whole household into silence. it reminded me of that time at jacob lake where kellie and jeannette got into their friendship ending fight and the whole dorm

 dispersed to their beds without a word. 

there seems to be a lot of anger or "bad feelings" floating around in my life. and it all inescapable involves me. which you know, makes me feel absolutely wonderful about myself. 

i'm finding it hard to find the happy things in life. 

good things... 

liesel is most likely coming down this weekend.

i like the single's ward i am going to. 

halo is played on the radio a lot and i'm still not sick of it.

i have an interview tomorrow that doesn't involve a company that i have to flip burgers for. 

i'm pretty sure that's it. 

if i disappear i'm probably going to be in flagstaff, or provo, or maybe bahama bucks, i forgot how dang good that place is.

in my opinion...

... love shouldn't be a fickle thing.

... friends should be forever, just like families.

... one of the best feelings in the world is laying between clean sheets, with shaved legs, and a face that has been cleaned - toned - moisturized, and a mouth that has been brushed - flossed - lysterined.

... one of the best feelings in the world is laying in someone's lap and having them stroke your hair.

... one of the best feelings in the world is having someone to lay in your lap and stroke his/her hair. 

,,, chocolate cake is better when eaten unsliced - just dig in with a fork. this also works for many other desserts. 

... one of the worst feelings in the world is seeing someone you love in pain and you don't know how to help. it's even worse when you are the cause. 

... when you are playing racquetball at a clubhouse, the crew should let you finish the game when there is one point left to win instead of turning off all of the lights, so what if it takes five more minutes? 

... it feels good to punch people, it even feels good to imagine punching people - especially when they deserve it. 

... i have some pretty great people in my life.

anecdotes

so... i'm home. i've been here for a few days now. i think i'm starting to adjust. it hasn't been as hard to adjust to the heat as i thought it would be. 

so... i have some funny stories:

friday evening my friend was getting her engagement pictures taken, nori and i were semi-invited to provide moral support and also, we thought, to give suggestions and ooh and awe at the poses and whatnot. the photographer's assistant had other ideas.

"girls, i'm going to need you to stay at least ten feet behind the photographer at all times."

say what?

ok... we'll just sit on this curb and watch you act like you know what you are doing... we could do a much better job and have the couple actually have fun and be comfortable... heaven forbid. do you want to look like that... like you're in pain? because that pose you just forced on them doesn't look aesthetically pleasing - they look like they are in pain. i can make you look like you are pain. i can and i will, lady. don't tell me what to do, you don't know me. 

we ended up playing catch and playing in the stream...  

we also ended up meeting sunni the security lady. we like her, she was fun. i want to go back and hang out with her again. what 70-something year old lady doesn't want two 20 year olds for friends? she agreed with us about the photographer lady = bonus points for sunni.

most of you have already heard this story but it's a great one, so sorry.

i have a friend names jenny. she is very nice and fun. being the hopeless romantic that jenny is, she wanted to find me a summer love. she said her friend chris and i might make a good match. 

how to meet?

he wants to be a stand up comedian - let's have him do a show for his friends... at the park.

ok...

show up, wasn't too impressed with the show.

talked to him a bit afterwards, same reaction.

he invited us to a party - i had jenny drop me off at my place.

he picked her up. 

he held her hand - in front of people, even.

they went to a movie - he paid.

he tried to kiss her... got the head turn for the cheek.

she's just lucky that i didn't like the guy - alls i'm sayin - or she would have been a horrible friend. 

austen's emma comes to mind... the riddle misinterpreted for the wrong person... ya.

my sister is back from disneyland... i was 83% asleep when she came home so she got a not so great welcome home hug. 

we had moved in a new bedroom set with a bigger bed so we can share instead of two twins. she said she liked it. imagine my confusion when this morning we woke up and she was a bit upset. so i went in to shower and when i came back to the room there were clothes everywhere and tears raining down my sister's cheeks.

she was mad because she didn't have a say in where things went and we put her clothes away wrong in the dresser...

sorry?

i see many things wrong with this scenario but... i won't go into them. i told her to calm down and get over it. she eventually did after a fight, a discussion, and some time together and apart.

to many people i am known as the bazookie master, or queen, or whatever. 

in provo, this only caught on last year, when this delectable treat was enjoyed more righteously. my last night in provo, we had one. 

my first night in mesa, we had one. 

saturday night, we had one.

this afternoon, we had two.

my love for these has been rekindled from the barely flickering flame that survived the provo winter. 

i should feel sick right now, right?

no pictures... my bad. 

well, i'm off. 

a casa

so... i'm home. yep, it's true.

did you know that the roads here are legitimate!? because they are. 

so slight mishap at the airport... 

i have three pieces of luggage and my backpack. fit everything i could in there. 

the biggest one was 87 pounds or something like that. didn't think it would be that big of a deal. 

p.s. it was

they wanted to charge me $210 to have that and another suitcase on the plane. 

um... no.

frantic (luckily i was there at the airport extra, extra early), i called my mommy. 

"call your uncle (pilot - yes!) and see when he's coming down to phoenix next. or... see who's coming to the valley. i think so and so and/or mr. and mrs. what's their face is in utah right now."

huzzah! 

i have a smart mommy. 

called the uncle - he said yes

now... how to i get that taken care of... i'm at the airport... with no car. 

call the aunt that dropped me off - i have an awesome aunt. 

breath of relief... now. 

while i waited for her return. i called liesel - i was still feeling... what's the right word... i

 already used frantic (pause while i use thesaurus.com)... choose your favorite from the

 following: agitated, angry, at wits' end, berserk, beside oneself*, corybantic, crazy,

 delirious, deranged, distraught, excited, flipped out, fraught, freaked out, frenetic, frenzied, furious,

 hectic, hot and bothered*, hot under the collar*, hyper, in a stew, in a tizzy,

 insane, keyed up, mad, out of control, overwrought, rabid, raging, raving, shook

 up, spazzed out, unglued, unscrewed, unzipped, violent, weird, weirded out,

 wigged out, wild, wired*, worked up, zonkers. because of the

 very fast-paced stress of the past 15 minutes. 

after talking to her, she calmed me down, said it worked better this way, i saved $25, etc... i felt better. 

i was ready to embark into arizona. 

talked to two elders returning home. i felt a kinship with them even though we

 hadn't gone through nearly the same experience - we were all going home, that's all that mattered. 

[insert small plane space - smaller than normal - bad cookie, one soda, and time here] 

landed. 

i walked out of the plane and paused in the space between the plane and the tunnel - heat.

kept walking, saw the family of the japanese elder, got on the escalator, heard th

e screams of the family, smiled, and then saw my mom. huzzah! home.

the green tahoe

my daddy

a beautiful display of road

the 60

val vista

the stake center - detour

the house

the bed

the bathroom

my sister is in disneyland so i can't see her until the 2nd, but she's cute. this is what i found:

she must have known that i wouldn't have my toiletry items... look - it's my own personal brand!

"wistie, I heart u! I am sorry I couldn't be here when you got here! Hope you have fun this weekend. Heart always, Ciera Jo."

also, guess who's is whos!

the journey

yesterday was long. not only was it long, it was super long: starting at 3 am and ending at midnight.

after sleeping for three hours and working for ten i was released from the place of employment at 8 o'clock.

as i walked outside, i put in my earphones to listen to the discorded genius of ennio marricone: to be the soundtrack to the genius of khaled hosseini i was reading. 

so enthralled was i in this that i didn't take note of one my favorite states of weather;

i felt the breeze wisp the hair across my cheek

i smelled the storm

i recognized the cloud cover

exhausted in more then three ways, i began down the hill that requires involuntary acceleration. the lingering pains of the difficulties of the semester added to the weight of the day and i couldn't control my emotions as much as i would have liked. i felt the tears well up in the corners of my eyes and i summoned the energy to avoid wetting hosseini's words. 

a impulsive wind forced my attention for a brief moment

the clouds kissed my nose

once

and again to let me know that they really cared. 

i closed the book

allowed one single tear to join the other drops on the pavement

i looked up at the sky to say, "thank you" out loud

a smile found its way on my face

my eyes closed and my arms opened

a surge of happiness filled my body

i started to notice the beauty of everything around me

there was light in the day

my senses are filled with spring

i really, really wanted to ride this plane, it was high enough to make it exciting, too bad i'm not four anymore.

no.

i'm so grateful for the experiences i have. i know that i have them for a reason, so i can grow, so i can help others when they go through a similar thing. i like being there for people and knowing what i can do to help through whatever they are going through. i yearn to be able to understand. the bad part about this is, i don't particularly like it when people say that they understand what i'm going through - i feel like they don't. i guess i can learn from that as well. 

and at the same time i want someone to always be there when i need them, to know that i need them, to know. 

por ejemplo:

i used to have a really, really bad temper (i can still feel it start to flare up at times). i'm talking about punching holes, scaring my sister into hiding kind of temper. it took seeing my sister cry and a long time to overcome this challenge. so when i saw my sister begin to flare up (and it really does feel like a flame: starting small and spreading until there is no control), i knew what that was like. i took her aside when she had lost control (and it is like losing control, quite literally) and asked her to calm down, hit the pillow, not the door or a human; breathe. she screamed, i explained to her what i went through and asked if that was how she was feeling. i like to believe that that helped. that she knew that i went through the same thing. 

it felt good to see her calm down after that. i don't know if it really helped, but i believe it did. 

so, the point of the moral of the story is: i must be going through this so i can overcome something, and maybe be able to be there when someone else is trying to overcome that something of their own; so they know that they can connect with somebody. 

i don't know... just my thoughts of late.