my nice moments

what!? another post? so soon?

2009-10-15T02:10:00.006-06:00

i know! a rare and appreciated happening... for the 3-6 people that read this occasionally... and the 1-3 that really care.

it's almost one in the morning. i'm not sleepy.

midnight musings

[excuse me, mr brown? like amusing? (if you haven't seen this movie* yet - go and do.)]

speaking of that movie... + others of the variety.

there is something so very tragic embedded in the verified stereotype of girls loving chick flicks.

my senior english teacher would criticize them saying, "have you seen the new julia roberts movie? i hear she ends up with the guy."

at least for me, something has changed in the way i appreciate these films.

i used to be able to fully appreciate them and join in the audible "awwww..." as the credits began to roll.

i felt a surge of hope and joy and empathy - knowing full well that one day i'd find my very own richard gere/matthew mcconaughey/heath ledger/george clooney (last's one for you, mom)

now... not so much. i feel the joy from the movie, but it's mostly empathetic.

as the credits roll i feel sort of... empty. i yearn more and more for that thing they showed exists.

i close my eyes and imagine and can almost feel his arm around me and can almost gaze into his

eyes and can almost be in that moment.

a single girl my age possessed of all eligibility must be in want of a husband.

now here's the riddle:

do i feel this way because i truly desire to fulfill my yearnings, or is it the effects of the media

and other surroundings?

when i think about what i want to do in my life, those feelings disappear or at least subdue.

which i think is strange.

spoiler alert - except not really if you are familiar with the life of the protagonists

when i was watching the movie and the hero comes to his fate, and his love progresses through

her grief to the point where she literally cannot breathe i couldn't help but start to wonder.

that depth - will i ever feel that depth of love for another person? daring to jump into the deep

center of the lake with him and if i come up and he isn't there, it would be the same as if trying to breathe beneath the surface.

(tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air / can't live, can't breath with no air / that's how i feel whenever you ain't there / it's no air, no air...)

i think that i may have an addiction to these chick flicks. i feel great while in the moment but once it's over i feel like crap and all i want to do is watch another one.

i can't be the only one...

*bright star

um... i'm still alive.

2009-10-14T00:59:00.001-06:00

the other day i was talking to my mom and i guess i said something about something or other that made me sad. her reply was the following:

"you know what makes me sad?" she then opened up the "mini" and opened up my blog. it had been exactly a month since my last post.

i would apologize but nothing really all that exciting happens in my life. i work every day from 8:30 to 5:30. 5:15 - 5:30 is pretty much the worst 15 minutes of my life every single day. there always seems to be nothing to do except earn an extra $3 - probably the $3 of that last hour that is going to the government anyway.

however.

because life is the way life is there are the occasional humorous moments that make each day bearable:

i drew this on september 10th. don't mind the lack of face - i can't draw faces. the box underneath reads, "practically perfect in every way." i was very proud of myself for drawing this from memory. i came home and showed everybody.

this guy at my office is really good at

complimenting people... in fact, i'm pretty

sure that it's part of his job or something.

anyway... he told me i'm the

"perfect package"

he then began listing why i'm awesome.

i discovered i don't really like being complimented -

especially in list form.

i fill at least one page full of these "swirlies" everyday. i was about 1/4 done with a page the other day and lucy from billing comes over and asks, "hey, do you ever sit here with nothing to do?"

... ... ...

i looked at her, i looked at my paper, and i looked at her.

she handed me a stack of unsealed envelopes and a sealing contraption, "thanks!"

the sealing contraption is pretty much really cool. and now i get to use it every day!

another lady came over and said, "hey... i was told if i ask really nicely that you would do [such and such thing] for me."

"... i accept bribes."

"oh..."

"i like chocolate."

"um..."

"my name is wistie and i will be taking care of this for you."

[insert forced ha ha ha] "thank you"

i don't think she gets me - and she still hasn't gotten me chocolate.

i'm hoping that word will go around that i will do tasks for people so that i don't have to stare into the abyss of my computer screen and sink slowly into madness. especially when people who already have caught wind of this and i see them coming and i welcome them into my spacious cubicle with a hearty, "yes!!" complete with at least one of my arms raising my fist in the air at roughly a 95-100 degree angle.

i have no picture to introduce this next anecdote. i don't think one is necessary. it was 5:26 or so. i hadn't anything to do except dare the time to move slower - i always lose - and i get the last call of the day. now for those of you not familiar - i am a receptionist at a regular, run of the mill law firm in mesa, az.

after regurgitating the greeting i awaited a response from the caller and heard this: "is [law firm name] an lds law firm?"

i don't know how many seconds i sat there in silence.

"i... um... how did you hear about our firm?"

"i found you in the lds yellow pages."

there's a mormon yellow pages?

"i know that some of our attorneys are lds, ma'am...."

and the conversation went on from there about how any of our attorneys would be competent to assist her or something and the department she will be transferred to is actually lds free...

my mind is still boggling.

besides work... there's church and it's corresponding ysa activities, institute, meeting new people and maintaining some part of the social butterfly i once was. but i must remind myself that butterflies don't live long - "but three summer days" as john keats said.

morbid thinking...

2009-09-11T20:13:00.002-06:00

i was thinking today. i have a lot of time to do that nowadays. i was thinking about what would happen if i die tomorrow. morbid? maybe.

this is what i came up with:

i hope they have my funeral over a weekend. that way more people will come and they can make a weekend trip out of it... to arizona - not everyone's favorite vacation spot but there's sedona and the sunsets to enjoy at least.

even though i don't really care about what people think of me, i'm still a little curious to know. of course people will say nice things about me, it is my funeral and all but i hope people are honest - even if i find things out that aren't the most pleasant things to hear.

a big part of me doesn't want a long funeral because i hate long funerals and i don't want to be stitting there forever. however, maybe it won't seem so long if all they are doing is talking about me. i just hope there are a lot of people there. i hope there will me. i've met a lot of people in my life. i just hope they thought enough of me to show up.

burial. that is how i want to be disposed of - in the dirt. dust to dust. i want flowers to be planted over my body. red flowers, i don't care which kind - change them up every once in a while. i think this is just a really cool idea.

you know how you make good friends based on an experience you shared or a time period you went throught together. por ejemple: your college roommates - that group of people you went white water rafting with for two weeks - fellow summer camp survivors - etc. i wonder if it will be like that in heaven. i'm sure we had our friends before we came down here. are we going to have to endure that whole awkward thing when an old, pre-mortal friend is introduced to a new, earth fried?

"ahem, so... how do you know wistie?"

"oh you know... we hung out a lot on earth."

"oh ya? well, did you know her before?"

"no. i heard about her from a friend but - not really."

"ya, that's what i thought. maybe you should go reunite with that friend."

"say what now?"

and then, of course, a brawl would ensue.

basically, thinking about my funeral was kind of fun for me today. as long as it's simple, i'll be happy. there's no need for anyone to get all stressed out on my account.

la vita e bella

2009-09-10T08:56:00.003-06:00

my favorite movie life is beautiful - with the english subtitles. most everyone that i have polled seem to love this movie or they hate it because it is so sad. maybe that says something about me - my favorite movie is a tragic comedy.

does this sound familiar: "life's not fair and then you die."?

i think this movie is an epitome of that phrase, a phrase i have been raised to believe in and to lean on.

even though this is my favorite move, i do not own my own copy. i think i did at one point, or at least i imagined i did but it got lost in the mess of moving to different apartments and states and back over the last couple of years. i've given a copy or two away as gifts to friends/roommates but something is hindering me in accumulating my own copy. but i digress...

one of the scenes most memorable to me is when the two would-be lovers are out galavanting through the town and towards the end of the evening he turns to her an sincerely says his instinctive desires to her but because of their obvious connection, it is a beautiful sentiment and it endears him to her. he says that he would never say this to her in a million years whilst he is doing such a thing.

there is something so real and tangible about that moment.

even though they hadn't really settled into a relationship, he was so in love with her already and so comfortable that he could say that.

anyway... that's one of the many things i had time to contemplate about yesterday during my work day.

p.s. i mix up my 'b's and 'v's when i type - i think my mexicanness has something to do with this.

perspective.

2009-09-04T09:03:00.002-06:00

so... my new job... can i very truthfully and honestly say that i am grateful to have an income. that being said. here's a story i wrote during work the other day.

once upon a time there was the longest day in the history of long days. was it the summer equinox? oh no, no it was not. it was the

second day of august, 2009. there was not any time added to the day, it was the regular 24 hours. why, then did it seem to miss marie

to be the longest day in the history of long days? well, i'll tell you, if you promise to not have a day like miss marie had that one

day that was the longest day in the history of long days.

her alarm went off at half past six, like it normally does. however, but also not unusual, miss marie pressed the "snooze" button over

and over again until 7:03, whereupon she finally arose to get ready for the day. she took what seemed to be a long shower but when she

emerged wet and clean, it was only 7:07. "curious" thought she and continued on her way. after getting ready, a task that usually

requires a full 35 minutes, give or take, miss marie looked at the time and realized that it was only half past seven.

"i must be getting faster." she said aloud and continued on her way, after eating breakfast, reading an article, and preparing her

lunch, miss marie was ready to leave for work and it was only 7:50! she didn't need to leave for another fifteen minutes. miss marie

felt as though she had been awake for hours and wondered if her family had played a trick on her and changed the time but every clock

she faced and everyone she asked, the time seemed to be correct. finally, the clock revealed that it was time to leave and so miss

marie got in her car and went to work. even with the construction on many roads and being stuck at many stoplights, miss marie arrived

at work ten minutes early.

"what an odd day." was the only thing miss marie could think of to explain her morning thus far and so she continued on her way.

the morning seemed to drag on and on for miss marie. every hour seemed like three and by the time her morning break came along it

seemed to her that it was time to go home for the day. she waited at her desk for a phone call to come in, it was a rarety on this day.

the time between caused miss marie to feel herself age. finally miss marie's lunch hour came, she knew that this time would pass

quickly, as it usually did every day. but today, as she sat and ate her sandwhich, she kept looking at the clock, and every time she

did, only five minutes had passed. she finished her sandwhich with 40 minutes to go until she could return to her desk. sitting there,

staring out the window, miss marie almost felt as though she were in pain with the time stuck in molasses.

She finally returned to her desk and waited an eternity for a phone call. and then another for the next until finally her afternoon

break rolled around. during this break she went outside her office building to let out a long and loud scream, "aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

ok, i feel a little better." and then she continued on her way.understandably, miss marie was frustrated with the time today, what

could she have done to make it stick around for so long? what did she do to upset it so to drag his feet? after miss marie finally

returned to her desk, she hoped that the last two hours of her work day would change the pace from the rest of the day.

unfortunately for miss marie, it did not. with nothing to encourage time to go faster, miss marie was getting antsy. finally, an hour

passed and miss marie could hardly sit still. her voice became frantic, to the shocking of every client calling in.

at last, there was five minutes until miss marie could go home. tapping her desk, five taps to every second, she barely could contain

her anticipation. she continued to stare at the clock, daring it to slow down. the clock accepted every dare, on every minute, five

times. just as the clock turned its hands to 5:30, miss marie was out the door and in her car - a task that took her about five

minutes everyday, today only took about 30 seconds.

miss marie was speedily back at home. she soon found that she was done eating dinner at 6:30, an hour and half before she usually is.

she had no plans for the evening and so changed positions on her couch, attempting to discover the most comfortable one. at 7:00, miss

marie changed couches, and did the same activity. by 8:30, miss marie had sat in every position she could think of on every couch in

her home. she decided that she would try to go to bed even though it was an hour and a half earlier than she normally would retire.

miss marie brushed her teeth, washed her face, and brushed her hair and was laying in bed by 8:35, how she did all that activity in

five minutes, she'll never understand.

as miss marie lay in bed, she stared at the ceiling, willing her mind into unconsciousness; but to no avail. hours at the rate of days

passed by until miss marie's body and mind surrendered to slumber. even her dreams seemed to linger longer than normal this day.

she awoke to her alarm at half passed six the next morning, hoping against all hope that today would not be a single thing like

yesterday.

it seemed that everything today was more bright and more beautiful. her home was clean, the sun was bright, and the sky was the

loveliest shade of sky blue miss marie had ever seen. her shower water was the perfect temperature, the music on the radio was all her

favorites, and there was hardly any traffic on her way to work. As she walked into her office building, everyone greeted her with a

smile. she was able to help every client above and beyond and before she even knew it, it was time for lunch, which whizzed by as did

her afternoon. before she even found time to glance at the clock, it was time for miss marie to return home.

upon arriving home, she received a call from a dear old friend who was in town. they spent the evening together laughing and

remembering old times, and gazing at the phenomenal sunset on the horizon

miss marie went straight to bed when she got home, only regretting that she didn't have more time to admire the beauty of the day.

looking forward to another great day tomorrow, starting promptly and half past six, miss marie continued on her way.

the end.

i am an optimist

No big brother.

2009-08-27T00:10:00.002-06:00

the last 5 minutes of my shift:

5:25 the longest 5 minutes of my life!

i remember how i got in trouble when i worked at the bookstore for doing this for an entire

shift... awesome.

5:26 that took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to change to a 6

5:27 no phone call thus far - tempted to log out of my phone early... so very tempted

why is '7' like the universal lucky number?

5:28 eight, eight! eight is great! so much to appreciate! (i made that up)

i had a delicious lunch today with mommy.

5:29 uno more minuto. i sabe spanish! sí, es yo do.

i'm getting antsy!

Aaaaa!!

5:30 sweet freedom!

when i came home tonight i went into change into the pjs and my sister was in bed... lying like a dead body in a coffin... i almost went to check if she was living but then she moved to a normal looking sleeping position.

"Life's not fair. And then you die."

2009-08-24T19:09:00.002-06:00

i've heard this phrase for the extended period of my life.

usually, when these words shoot from the tongue of my mother, i cringe.

imagine the shock and awe i felt when i felt my own tongue and lips formed the words and that box in my throat supplied the sound for them today.

it was in jest, but even so...

so then i stopped paying attention to this lady who was showing me how to do something at work to think about the meaning behind the phrase:

does this mean that life is fair after we die?

does this mean that because life isn't fair that we die?

does the second sentence represent the end all of an idea or concept and therefore meaning that life isn't fair, the end.

there are my three points for a 3/5 essay.

i'd like to see it on my desk by friday at midnight. that gives you four days.

not fair?

and then you die.

are you for real?

2009-08-07T17:35:00.004-06:00

when i was a senior in high school i began having these moments i call, "whoa..." moments. when i started my first day of my last year of high school, "whoa..."

started applying for college, "whoa..."

got my acceptance letter to byu, "whoa..."

bought things for college, "whoa..."

graduated from high school, "whoa..."

moved out of my parent's house, "whoa..."

paid my own rent, "whoa..."

had my own apartment, "whoa..."

slept in my own apartment, "whoa..."

sat in my college class, "whoa..."

just got up and left out of a pointless lecture, "whoa..."

went to the grocery store to buy my own food, "whoa..."

have a guy friend come back from his mission, "whoa..." etc....

i think i have run out of "whoa..." moments. relief? maybe. weird... not so much. i think that i have fully accepted the fact that i am an adult. and i like it.

however...

lately i feel like i have almost been forced to devolve. i came home for the summer and i didn't automatically realize it but some of the things that i had felt i earned by being an adult were taken away from me. i have to answer to people, my decisions are dependent on others' decisions, etc...

i don't want to pull out the old cliché but seriously, i feel like i am being treated like a child.

so now i am experiencing moments i am calling, "what?" moments. or for you more modern slang type, "are you for real?" moments.

i even got the urge to do something because someone told me specifically not to do it. i retreated back to rebellious teenage urges (which by the way, i never had as a teenager), "well, i'm going to do that anyway, what can they do about it?" (i didn't do it... i came back to logical thinking).

so i'm frustrated at the moment. simply put.

"whoah..." moments were freeing, although intimidating, and i felt 100% awesome with those.

"what?"/ "are you for real?" moments... well i don't like them, at all.

-5% awesome.

i have a rep to protect! how am i supposed to maintain my cool factor if i have a constant compulsion to roll my eyes? because, as we all know by a "whoah..." moment we have all experienced: how you look is the most important thing in life, right?

or is that teenage philosophy?

r-r-random.

2009-07-28T20:18:00.003-06:00

alright i thought i would share a couple of videos that i have really like lately, they make me happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWlQeuMrIEw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiyGhNF0WzQ&feature=fvw

awesome. that's all i can say.

it's raining, it's pouring

2009-07-21T13:49:00.004-06:00

growing up i thought that little kids were supposed to be scared of things and run to their parents' room to sleep in their bed for comfort.

so i did.

"mom, i had a bad dream."

"ok, what was scary about it?"

"... ... monsters..."

"ok, hop in."

their bed was more comfortable but... i wasn't really frightened by anything.

i never understood why people were afraid of thunder and lightning. i always liked it, i would get excited to just sit on the porch and anxiously wait to see the instant shock of awesomness

and count the seconds until it's sound found my ears.

last night, my mom and sister came to my room and woke me up.

"what? why are you here?"

"it's raining, and thundering."

"oh."

i wasn't as welcoming to them as my mom had been to me with my "monsters."

after realizing that it was 4:30 in the morning and avoiding the grumpy feelings fighting it's way

in. this was easier after the room was instantly let by real electric light that amplified the pittering of the rain outside and then i felt the house shake with the roar of the skies.

i was quickly outside to feel the rain on my skin and feel the thunder through my own frame.

i was still tired so i very soon went back to my bed, soaked, and was hushed to sleep by the lullaby of the heavens.

so live you life. eh eh eh eh eh eh.

2009-07-19T19:55:00.008-06:00

my mom said i need to blog.

so this is me blogging.

the end.

alright... my life... as of late...

ben has taken to calling me "popular." why? i don't know.

i've been out on a couple of dates... not very eventful information there.

(except... i lost interest in some guys because of a lack of backbone... may be an exaggeration. also... interesting letters make me smile and furrow my brow at the same time.)

i'm actually having a really, really good time. finally. i love my ward. i love just meeting new people and hanging with people that i never hung out with in high school.

broaden horizons. check.

i got a job as a maid. hooray paycheck! but i don't start for about a week and a half so i'm still looking for something else and/or better. but... i got something, so that helped boost my self esteem a tad.

employment. check.

so more time has passed and that means that more weddings, engagements, and new

relationships have come and gone in my calendar. don't worry, none of them specifically involve me...

for the most part, i'm actually adopting the "i'm so happy for you!" and the "that's so great!"attitudes instead of just saying those phrases. am i really growing up? odd...

i feel really ok with my friends being married. i've reached that point.

i have not, however, reached the point where i'm 100% ok with my friends having a child. let alone two. don't get me started on that... the whole carrying and delivering a human process really, truly, and sincerely freaks me out. i can't think about it. my friends have seen me react to that thought process and they try and console me by saying, "don't worry wistie, the dumbest people on the planet have children." that's your argument? really?

there's a human inside of you. and then it's going to come out. no wonder the dumbest people have children, they don't realize what they are doing. i. can't. think. about. it.

self analysis. check.

moving on.

sort of.

my mother wants a grandbaby. however, she doesn't want me to get married... at least not yet. there's too much drama in a wedding/marriage or something. ok, mom, i'll get right on that. no, no i will not.

self analysis. double check.

i want to make a trip up to flagstaff. really, really soon. for at least a weekend. especially with a lot of the friends i hang out with here going back up to nau soon. and also liesel is there and i'm sick of having a long distance relationship with her. those generally don't end well.

set goals. check.

well i'm off to a night of game night hopping.

fun times. check.

beat it.

2009-06-29T12:39:00.004-06:00

all of my life someone has always been there saying that i could achieve my dreams if i work hard enough. even if i doubt sometimes, there is always this huge part of me that really, truly believes that.

last night was the first time that i really, sincerely felt that the people that were surrounding me didn't believe that i could achieve what i aspire to.

i don't get offended easily but i was last night.

those people realized that i was mad at their comments because i don't really argue a point

unless i feel really strongly for it and i was last night. so they finally decided that they didn't want to argue with me anymore so they said, "ok, well, you should definitely do it and try.""do or do not. there is no try."

whatever. i won't be thanking you at the emmy's.

this scenario added to other things that has happened the last couple of days has left me really heated. i'm always very careful with how i say things because i don't want to offend people. i've grown quite crafty at getting my opinion out there without having to offend people. but with some people, i've noticed i've had to try harder with some than others, and so they never really knew how i felt about things.

so... question:

is it better to not let people know what's really going on so the hate doesn't spread or is it better

to get it all out there?

i don't know.

i've just decided to remove myself from these negative environments, not the people, just the environments. i shouldn't have to deal with that, and i'm not. so there.

in other news...

i'm changing my car's name from fernando to hoit. i just realized that i have no idea what that word means so i looked it up: haughty or snobbish. the archaic form is frolicsome.

i love it.

quote from the other day:

"i just think that someone who has a show like that has problems at home: drugs, mistress... methlab? i'm just saying."

"i cannot adequately speak english at this point in time."

tomorrow...

2009-06-19T01:49:00.005-06:00

tomorrow...

it represents a myriad of things, sure.

hope

excuse

extension

faith

procrastination

"on the day after today"

possibility

my mother told me today that i don't talk. i just don't think that's true.

she wants me to talk about my feelings or something.

i told her i am sad.

i asked her if she wanted a report of what i did everyday. i just don't think that's necessary.

she said that she would like me to tell her something. my argument? i do.

tomorrow my brother gets to go somewhere that i really want to go. i didn't realize how badly i really desired this until i heard my mother talk to him on the phone about what he is going to do... tomorrow. i just listened and felt the sadness creep its way in. i let it go, i let myself feel it because i have been avoiding it, i haven't let myself feel that sadness.

tomorrow my favorite roommate goes through the temple for the first time.

tomorrow night is her bachelorette party.

tomorrow's tomorrow she gets married.

and i have to miss it.

so... i'm sad.

i'm not depressed.

i'm just... sad.

this is me being honest... me being vulnerable.

i don't do that. i don't allow myself to be vulnerable.

i really only let myself really feel things in private. (this is kind of hard when i've shared a room for the last two years of my life ;P)

maybe that's why...

today.

it represents reality.

truth.

fear.

ugly.

beauty.

"this present day."

everything.

my mother told me today that i don't talk. i think i say plenty.

maybe it's my fault people aren't listening.

today is thursday.

old english origin: day of thunder.

i heard it.

it wasn't cloudy today but i didn't enjoy it - the sun. i knew what today was. i knew what tomorrow could have been. i kept dwelling on too many yesterdays.

today a friend of mine reunited with many people. i wasn't there. i'm strangely finding that a lot easier to deal with than missing the wedding.

i don't know why.

i don't regret my decision to come home - though it's been difficult. i keep reminding myself that there is a reason why i'm down here.

yesterday.

...

"on the day before today."

lessons

i look forward to tomorrow, i do. i'm just going to allow myself to feel the sadness.

i'm going to allow myself to.

now there's a weird sentence.

sociology

2009-06-08T20:52:00.012-06:00

alright, can i take a moment to do another critique on society?

thanks.

i really believe that the media, all forms of it, represent society and its values.

i think that we have made great progress in many areas.

today's focus: feminism. gasp!

i was watching becoming jane the other day and made the comment that i would have hated to live back then, especially as a woman. they had so many duties to fulfill to others.

"what is she doing?"

"writing."

"can anything be done about it?" emphasis added

ahem?

books were the entertainment of the day and to put a woman in a successful vocation for that

entertainment was, of course, ludicrous. add in the marriage pressure. marriage was how women measured their own success.

have we changed?

enter into the world:

louisa may alcott

the bronte sisters

beatrix potter

margaret mitchell

lois lowry

maya angelou

to name a few.

today the main entertainment of the day is music. which brings me to the critique i mentioned earlier.

a couple of years back i remember an episode of oprah where she had on a few rappers. they discussed that there is a problem with the music being demeaning to women. uh... amen.

ok, i can forgive the rugged sex for having that state of mind, i can. however, i never thought that i would have to hear those of the "weaker" one demean themselves and soak the listeners in with the beat - this doesn't help the problem.

por ejemplo:

"my life would suck without you" - kelly clarkson

basically... what this song is saying is: you left because you wanted anyone else but me but you came back and sort of said that you're sorry. i must have messed up somehow here but it's ok because you're back. my life would suck without you.

no. bad, kelly, bad.

is this the sequel to "since you've been gone"? because in that song you were more than happy to get on with your life after he left you. what happened?

(i confess to be a victim of being sucked into liking this song at first because of the beats... then i actually listened to it. my bad.)

por ejemple dos:

"please don't leave me" - pink

same chick who sang that one song about how she's still a rockstar or something... now begging this kid not to leave, even though she has done all these horrible things to him. of course he's going to leave. first of all, girl, you cwazy. second of all, stop listing all these horrible things about yourself, especially if you don't want him to leave.

por ejemplo tres:

lady gaga. one word: gross. a gross of gross. listening to her music may cause me to want to just dance, dance, dance; but i definitely do not want to be playing her love game or her

version of texas hold 'em. add that to the outfits that she displays, nothing short of prostitution.

por ejemple cuatro:

taylor swift. love her voice but... what the heck is her problem? is she really stuck in fairy tale land? p.s. you're not rapunzel, or sleeping beauty, or juliet. good luck finding a guy that really acts like one of those princes, as for me, i'd rather have someone who acts like one of those dwarves. no wonder "drew" never loved you. harsh? stop being a pansy!

what happened to songs like "R.E.S.P.E.C.T.," "think," and "i will survive"? do we have to rely on aretha for these messages?

no wonder songs like "don't trust me" are rampant on the airwaves, we're giving them permission to publish them.

i mean, a lot men are trying to remind us that we are pretty cool. "1, 2, 3, 4" - plain white tees, "come back to me" - david cook (not a pansy song), "she is love" - parachute, "everything" - lifehouse. to name a few.

basically, i didn't think that we were headed into a regression, ladies.

sorry to Abigail Adams, Margaret Sanger, Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Elizabeth Blackwell, Rosa Parks, Lucille Ball, Katharine Hepburn, etc. some of us are trying, i hope and promise.

some old wise lady told me that i wouldn't be happy in life unless i decided to be so. i'm the only one who can make me happy. no man is going to replace me, no one can. my mom's not old ;)

enter into the world:

condoleeza rice

tina fey

meryl streep

diane keaten

wistie bowman?

15 days later

2009-05-31T21:49:00.001-06:00

so. i'm 20 now.

finally.

i've been actually excited for getting older this year. i haven't been excited to get older since i turned 16. and that was so long ago. just kidding. i'm really excited to finally be able to say stuff like, "you know twenty years ago..." even though the only thing that happened to me twenty years ago was my birth and debut into the world.

i asked for a camera. that's all i really wanted, and i didn't even get that. sheesh. my parents had to go and get me this:

i'll learn to deal with it. hee hee.

it's red. i like red.

driving manual is fun, so i'm told. i'm sure i'll agree once i stop stalling out of first.

it was kinda funny because i open up what i thought was a camera box and there wasn't a camera in it. there was a black box that looked like it could've been a camera but when i picked it up it was a box with two car keys inside of it. i was like, "what?!"

so i climbed into the red machine and ben got in the passenger seat and was like, "do you know how to drive a stick?"

"awe crap!"

i sorta know how to drive it. really i just stall out of first like a mentioned earlier.

anyway, so basically i'm like a real adult... even though we tried to go somewhere last night for dinner and we couldn't eat there because we all weren't 21... lame.

ok, so it may have been a bar... but so is outback, and applebees so step off mean lady at that one restaurant that i will never go to again.

well, i'm going to go practice my skillz in my ride... he isn't named yet. i'm working on it. it's gotta be good, because that's just how i roll.

adapting

2009-05-15T17:46:00.006-06:00

change: to make or become different.

change.

just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ~irene peter

i've changed.

i'm not really mad about it.

right now, i'm kinda sad because what things have come to pass because of it.

i now just have to find my new place here. i'm ok with that, it's just hard.

i feel that there is a lot of contention filling the air surrounding me. it's not fun.

still looking for a job.

liesel is not coming this weekend. she says next weekend, which will be better i guess, it's a longer weekend.

i'm finding how much i enjoy my family, i forgot for some reason. they are pretty cool.

they have this obsession with dr. mario, it's funny. we seem to go through phases with what games we love to play - right now it's dr. mario. spit will always be a classic, of course.

we no longer use a broom and mop. we use a vacuum and steam cleaner. it's a lot more fun.

we recently painted my parent's bedroom. i actually enjoy painting rooms, i think it's fun. i could feel the tension because nobody was doing anything the right way (painting...) so finally i just shouted, "painting is supposed to fun!!!" of course, that set ben off, play-fighting ensued and i had paint all over, as did ben, and my mom. i like those relatives of mine sometimes.

"...across the water, across the deep blue..."

2009-05-11T17:27:00.008-06:00

so this week has been less than perfect, i could say. i never thought that i would miss provo, but i really do. i miss the people, i miss the ambience, and i miss the life i led there.

don't get me wrong, i love being home. i love the people, i love the ambience, and i love the life that i had here.

everything has changed, i can't lead the same life because the same people aren't here.

there has been more drama in my life in the last week and a half than i have experienced in the past year. you may think i am exaggerating, but i'm really, really not.

on again off again relationships are going on that short list of pet peeves of mine.

to make a long story short: i only have to wear one bridesmaid dress this summer.

i find myself tired all of the time. looking for a job has been very discouraging.

so many things have been frustrating me. i used to go on hour-long walks to get out my frustration. i have found that going for a drive does the same thing but a lot faster. i think the adrenaline of the speed and the requirement of concentration helps clear my head faster. last night i went for a 2o minute drive and no one even noticed i had left. i'm not sure whether i should be proud of my stealthiness or be offended. i didn't blast any music, i just allowed everything to sink in, the lights, the pavement, my thoughts. i didn't realize how firm i was grasping the steering wheel until my right ring finger began to ache.

mother's day wasn't exactly... successful. honestly, i'm still trying to understand what went so horribly wrong to invoke the whole household into silence. it reminded me of that time at jacob lake where kellie and jeannette got into their friendship ending fight and the whole dorm

dispersed to their beds without a word.

there seems to be a lot of anger or "bad feelings" floating around in my life. and it all inescapable involves me. which you know, makes me feel absolutely wonderful about myself.

i'm finding it hard to find the happy things in life.

good things...

liesel is most likely coming down this weekend.

i like the single's ward i am going to.

halo is played on the radio a lot and i'm still not sick of it.

i have an interview tomorrow that doesn't involve a company that i have to flip burgers for.

i'm pretty sure that's it.

if i disappear i'm probably going to be in flagstaff, or provo, or maybe bahama bucks, i forgot how dang good that place is.

in my opinion...

2009-05-06T02:31:00.002-06:00

... love shouldn't be a fickle thing.

... friends should be forever, just like families.

... one of the best feelings in the world is laying between clean sheets, with shaved legs, and a face that has been cleaned - toned - moisturized, and a mouth that has been brushed - flossed - lysterined.

... one of the best feelings in the world is laying in someone's lap and having them stroke your hair.

... one of the best feelings in the world is having someone to lay in your lap and stroke his/her hair.

,,, chocolate cake is better when eaten unsliced - just dig in with a fork. this also works for many other desserts.

... one of the worst feelings in the world is seeing someone you love in pain and you don't know how to help. it's even worse when you are the cause.

... when you are playing racquetball at a clubhouse, the crew should let you finish the game when there is one point left to win instead of turning off all of the lights, so what if it takes five more minutes?

... it feels good to punch people, it even feels good to imagine punching people - especially when they deserve it.

... i have some pretty great people in my life.

anecdotes

2009-05-03T23:52:00.003-06:00

so... i'm home. i've been here for a few days now. i think i'm starting to adjust. it hasn't been as hard to adjust to the heat as i thought it would be.

so... i have some funny stories:

friday evening my friend was getting her engagement pictures taken, nori and i were semi-invited to provide moral support and also, we thought, to give suggestions and ooh and awe at the poses and whatnot. the photographer's assistant had other ideas.

"girls, i'm going to need you to stay at least ten feet behind the photographer at all times."

say what?

ok... we'll just sit on this curb and watch you act like you know what you are doing... we could do a much better job and have the couple actually have fun and be comfortable... heaven forbid. do you want to look like that... like you're in pain? because that pose you just forced on them doesn't look aesthetically pleasing - they look like they are in pain. i can make you look like you are pain. i can and i will, lady. don't tell me what to do, you don't know me.

we ended up playing catch and playing in the stream...

we also ended up meeting sunni the security lady. we like her, she was fun. i want to go back and hang out with her again. what 70-something year old lady doesn't want two 20 year olds for friends? she agreed with us about the photographer lady = bonus points for sunni.

most of you have already heard this story but it's a great one, so sorry.

i have a friend names jenny. she is very nice and fun. being the hopeless romantic that jenny is, she wanted to find me a summer love. she said her friend chris and i might make a good match.

how to meet?

he wants to be a stand up comedian - let's have him do a show for his friends... at the park.

ok...

show up, wasn't too impressed with the show.

talked to him a bit afterwards, same reaction.

he invited us to a party - i had jenny drop me off at my place.

he picked her up.

he held her hand - in front of people, even.

they went to a movie - he paid.

he tried to kiss her... got the head turn for the cheek.

she's just lucky that i didn't like the guy - alls i'm sayin - or she would have been a horrible friend.

austen's emma comes to mind... the riddle misinterpreted for the wrong person... ya.

my sister is back from disneyland... i was 83% asleep when she came home so she got a not so great welcome home hug.

we had moved in a new bedroom set with a bigger bed so we can share instead of two twins. she said she liked it. imagine my confusion when this morning we woke up and she was a bit upset. so i went in to shower and when i came back to the room there were clothes everywhere and tears raining down my sister's cheeks.

she was mad because she didn't have a say in where things went and we put her clothes away wrong in the dresser...

sorry?

i see many things wrong with this scenario but... i won't go into them. i told her to calm down and get over it. she eventually did after a fight, a discussion, and some time together and apart.

to many people i am known as the bazookie master, or queen, or whatever.

in provo, this only caught on last year, when this delectable treat was enjoyed more righteously. my last night in provo, we had one.

my first night in mesa, we had one.

saturday night, we had one.

this afternoon, we had two.

my love for these has been rekindled from the barely flickering flame that survived the provo winter.

i should feel sick right now, right?

no pictures... my bad.

well, i'm off.

a casa

2009-04-29T19:40:00.008-06:00

so... i'm home. yep, it's true.

did you know that the roads here are legitimate!? because they are.

so slight mishap at the airport...

i have three pieces of luggage and my backpack. fit everything i could in there.

the biggest one was 87 pounds or something like that. didn't think it would be that big of a deal.

p.s. it was

they wanted to charge me $210 to have that and another suitcase on the plane.

um... no.

frantic (luckily i was there at the airport extra, extra early), i called my mommy.

"call your uncle (pilot - yes!) and see when he's coming down to phoenix next. or... see who's coming to the valley. i think so and so and/or mr. and mrs. what's their face is in utah right now."

huzzah!

i have a smart mommy.

called the uncle - he said yes

now... how to i get that taken care of... i'm at the airport... with no car.

call the aunt that dropped me off - i have an awesome aunt.

breath of relief... now.

while i waited for her return. i called liesel - i was still feeling... what's the right word... i

already used frantic (pause while i use thesaurus.com)... choose your favorite from the

following: agitated, angry, at wits' end, berserk, beside oneself*, corybantic, crazy,

delirious, deranged, distraught, excited, flipped out, fraught, freaked out, frenetic, frenzied, furious,

hectic, hot and bothered*, hot under the collar*, hyper, in a stew, in a tizzy,

insane, keyed up, mad, out of control, overwrought, rabid, raging, raving, shook

up, spazzed out, unglued, unscrewed, unzipped, violent, weird, weirded out,

wigged out, wild, wired*, worked up, zonkers. because of the

very fast-paced stress of the past 15 minutes.

after talking to her, she calmed me down, said it worked better this way, i saved $25, etc... i felt better.

i was ready to embark into arizona.

talked to two elders returning home. i felt a kinship with them even though we

hadn't gone through nearly the same experience - we were all going home, that's all that mattered.

[insert small plane space - smaller than normal - bad cookie, one soda, and time here]

landed.

i walked out of the plane and paused in the space between the plane and the tunnel - heat.

kept walking, saw the family of the japanese elder, got on the escalator, heard th

e screams of the family, smiled, and then saw my mom. huzzah! home.

the green tahoe

my daddy

a beautiful display of road

the 60

val vista

the stake center - detour

the house

the bed

the bathroom

my sister is in disneyland so i can't see her until the 2nd, but she's cute. this is what i found:

she must have known that i wouldn't have my toiletry items... look - it's my own personal brand!

"wistie, I heart u! I am sorry I couldn't be here when you got here! Hope you have fun this weekend. Heart always, Ciera Jo."

also, guess who's is whos!

the journey

2009-04-24T23:52:00.008-06:00

yesterday was long. not only was it long, it was super long: starting at 3 am and ending at midnight.

after sleeping for three hours and working for ten i was released from the place of employment at 8 o'clock.

as i walked outside, i put in my earphones to listen to the discorded genius of ennio marricone: to be the soundtrack to the genius of khaled hosseini i was reading.

so enthralled was i in this that i didn't take note of one my favorite states of weather;

i felt the breeze wisp the hair across my cheek

i smelled the storm

i recognized the cloud cover

exhausted in more then three ways, i began down the hill that requires involuntary acceleration. the lingering pains of the difficulties of the semester added to the weight of the day and i couldn't control my emotions as much as i would have liked. i felt the tears well up in the corners of my eyes and i summoned the energy to avoid wetting hosseini's words.

a impulsive wind forced my attention for a brief moment

the clouds kissed my nose

once

and again to let me know that they really cared.

i closed the book

allowed one single tear to join the other drops on the pavement

i looked up at the sky to say, "thank you" out loud

a smile found its way on my face

my eyes closed and my arms opened

a surge of happiness filled my body

i started to notice the beauty of everything around me

there was light in the day

my senses are filled with spring

i really, really wanted to ride this plane, it was high enough to make it exciting, too bad i'm not four anymore.

no.

i'm so grateful for the experiences i have. i know that i have them for a reason, so i can grow, so i can help others when they go through a similar thing. i like being there for people and knowing what i can do to help through whatever they are going through. i yearn to be able to understand. the bad part about this is, i don't particularly like it when people say that they understand what i'm going through - i feel like they don't. i guess i can learn from that as well.

and at the same time i want someone to always be there when i need them, to know that i need them, to know.

por ejemplo:

i used to have a really, really bad temper (i can still feel it start to flare up at times). i'm talking about punching holes, scaring my sister into hiding kind of temper. it took seeing my sister cry and a long time to overcome this challenge. so when i saw my sister begin to flare up (and it really does feel like a flame: starting small and spreading until there is no control), i knew what that was like. i took her aside when she had lost control (and it is like losing control, quite literally) and asked her to calm down, hit the pillow, not the door or a human; breathe. she screamed, i explained to her what i went through and asked if that was how she was feeling. i like to believe that that helped. that she knew that i went through the same thing.

it felt good to see her calm down after that. i don't know if it really helped, but i believe it did.

so, the point of the moral of the story is: i must be going through this so i can overcome something, and maybe be able to be there when someone else is trying to overcome that something of their own; so they know that they can connect with somebody.

i don't know... just my thoughts of late.

bring it

2009-04-21T09:24:00.007-06:00

so far, 2009 has provided me with an extensive array of varied experiences.

how's that for vague?

if you know me at all you should know that i hate labels. not the kind of labels like white, black; male, female; mexican, mongolian - those are innate labels that are obvious and contribute to a person's character. i don't like being defined by what someone else thinks is an appropriate jurisdiction of who or what i am.

if you know me at all you should know that i'm really not as rough and tough as others may imply. don't get me wrong, i'm strong but i have a vast collection of scars - some have re-opened, "my heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closing." -leona lewis.

if you know me at all you should know that i'm proud of who i am and the past that has gotten me to be the person you know. i live my life, it's as simple as that. however, there is something about me that i have... misplaced. i don't know what it is but i hope to re-discover it during the hot upcoming months.

so far, 2009 has provided me with an extensive array of varied experiences.

how's that for specific?

i have felt what it feels like to miss someone. people say that a lot, "i miss you." until recently, i never really knew what that felt like. or at least i didn't recognize the feeling.

i miss you.

it is a really significant phrase.

with "i" representing the whole of the person.

with "miss" being literal as in lacking, void, or omitting.

with"you" representing a functional part of the person.

also see "you complete me" [insert air-drawn heart here]

i have felt under-appreciated. no one has the right to say something that makes you feel inferior. they just don't. also, no one has the right to say something or act in a way that makes you feel unwanted.

i have felt over-appreciated. i like hearing people say compliments. i have this friend and whenever we speak to each other, she never fails to let me know how much she appreciates me and is grateful to me. it's a mutual appreciation, i hope

at the same level. i never leave a conversation between us thinking anything negative about myself.

so far, 2009 has provided me with an extensive array of varied experiences.

family

friends

fun

infatuation.

i couldn't think of a synonym for 'love" that started with 'f'

i don't think i've looked forward to a summer more than i am looking forward to this one.

it has started

i am done

it is beautiful outside

why am i inside then?

peace!

bring it

don't worry, be happy now.

2009-04-16T12:51:00.005-06:00

since my epiphanical (i may have made that word up) moment on sunday, my life has been so great. i remember what it feels like to be happy. and great things have happened to me. it's truly amazing how your attitude does change everything.

the only bad thing: my foot. i really don't know what happened. the pain fluctuates. i think it's going away

ok... the only other bad thing: the freaking blizzard yesterday! what the what!?

good things:

i have one test left

i got asked out (thanks to kel, she wanted credit on the wedding announcement if we got married, hopefully this will suffice for now)

my roommates threw a party in honor of my upcoming birthday (which they will miss)

i went to a really cool place and flirted with a really cute bartender

i'm wearing a yellow shirt in protest of the lingering winter

i went to a black and white dance party (wearing bunny ears and a tail) and somebody asked if i meant to look like the playboy bunny

the sun re-appeared today

it rained!!!!

i made somebody smile

i made somebody laugh

i got a really, really good hug

yesterday marked exactly two weeks until i go home

...

i'll stop.

and rain will make the flowers grow

2009-04-14T19:09:00.003-06:00

it's no secret that i'm a mild fan of the rain.

as i left the building after work today, i couldn't stop myself in my excitement - despite my mysteriously injured foot. it was raining!

i twirled, i jumped in a puddle, i looked up towards the sky and let the drops cover my face.

i did all of this while others prepared their umbrellas.

wimps.

i was worried about walking home, my foot is really quite in pain. but with the company of the precipitation, it was more bearable. every once in a while, i would jump over a puddle and land and have to take a breather, but it was mostly an enjoyable trip home.

the rain, well, the rain is just awesome.

someone's facebook status was complaining about the rain the other day. i weirdly got offended on behalf of my nature-love.

so, i feel cleansed through the rain, i'm going to go back out there and play in it.

whole grain

2009-04-12T12:58:00.003-06:00

WARNING:

the following blog is rather raw. contrary to popular belief and practice, wistie (and by wistie, i mean me) is rather vulnerable. evidence to follow.

i have a confession. finally, i'm publishing this confession to those who may read this.

the last couple of weeks i have felt extremely lonely. i realize that this feeling is illogical because i'm surrounded by people and have countless people that i can call.

logic had nothing to do with how i was feeling.

at least once each day for the past week i could feel tears fighting to feel the skin on my face; i could sense that skin grow red in cold emotion. it was awful, i hated it. i would wander around

in thought and dig myself deeper into my isolation.

i could go on about the reasons behind this feeling, but i won't. it's not necessary and may only make others sad.

last week was general conference. saturday's sessions were filled with things that i thought were aimed towards me, someone wrote those words for me. i heard the following scripture many times and it gave me the comfort i needed then, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;" Doctrine and Covenants 121:7.

it seemed that that would've been enough. but my lonely feeling started getting deeper and stronger; i found myself not wanting to hang out with anyone, i would rather walk around provo, by myself (with my newly purchased pepper spray) for hours. something that is extremely uncharacteristic of me.

usually if i'm feeling lonely, i make myself go and hang out with people. the people i normally hang out with were off somewhere i didn't want to be. i tried to find others to hang out with but they were busy and somewhere i couldn't be without any mode of transportation besides my feet.

yesterday it seemed that loneliness was the only feeling existent in my soul. i just wanted to curl up somewhere and just cry. i hated being that way. it wasn't... me.

this morning i woke up early, still feeling horrible. than i decided to change my attitude.

that was a good step.

i wasn't completely rid of this drooping state of mind but i did feel better. i decided to go to an earlier ward with some friends this morning, i wanted to start the day early and right.

i'm so grateful for easter, the messages today were exactly what i needed to hear. those nagging

tears kept bugging my ducts during the entire sacrament meeting but my eyelids are on my side and didn't let any roll out. but these tears were different. they were releasing tears, not "my life sucks" tears.

the message that i needed was (and is) "i am not alone, i will never be alone."

many references to elder holland's talk came up. i was deeply impressed with it last week but i needed the aforementioned scripture then, the milk if you will. i now needed that talk, the meat, i needed to hear it over and over again until it sunk in. i came home and watched him say the words, and i let one of those annoying tears feel that skin it thirsted for. i felt whole again. i felt myself again.

i looked at myself in the mirror and smiled.

"sleep on now, and take your rest..." Matthew 26:45