beat it.

all of my life someone has always been there saying that i could achieve my dreams if i work hard enough. even if i doubt sometimes, there is always this huge part of me that really, truly believes that.

last night was the first time that i really, sincerely felt that the people that were surrounding me didn't believe that i could achieve what i aspire to. 

i don't get offended easily but i was last night. 

those people realized that i was mad at their comments because i don't really argue a point

 unless i feel really strongly for it and i was last night. so they finally decided that they didn't want to argue with me anymore so they said, "ok, well, you should definitely do it and try.""do or do not. there is no try."

whatever. i won't be thanking you at the emmy's. 

this scenario added to other things that has happened the last couple of days has left me really heated. i'm always very careful with how i say things because i don't want to offend people. i've grown quite crafty at getting my opinion out there without having to offend people. but with some people, i've noticed i've had to try harder with some than others, and so they never really knew how i felt about things. 

so... question:

is it better to not let people know what's really going on so the hate doesn't spread or is it better 

to get it all out there?

i don't know. 

i've just decided to remove myself from these negative environments, not the people, just the environments. i shouldn't have to deal with that, and i'm not. so there.

in other news...

i'm changing my car's name from fernando to hoit. i just realized that i have no idea what that word means so i looked it up: haughty or snobbish. the archaic form is frolicsome. 

i love it. 

quote from the other day:

"i just think that someone who has a show like that has problems at home: drugs, mistress... methlab? i'm just saying."

"i cannot adequately speak english at this point in time."

tomorrow...

tomorrow... 

it represents a myriad of things, sure. 

hope

excuse

extension

faith

procrastination

"on the day after today"

possibility

my mother told me today that i don't talk. i just don't think that's true.

she wants me to talk about my feelings or something. 

i told her i am sad. 

i asked her if she wanted a report of what i did everyday. i just don't think that's necessary. 

she said that she would like me to tell her something. my argument? i do. 

tomorrow my brother gets to go somewhere that i really want to go. i didn't realize how badly i really desired this until i heard my mother talk to him on the phone about what he is going to do... tomorrow. i just listened and felt the sadness creep its way in. i let it go, i let myself feel it because i have been avoiding it, i haven't let myself feel that sadness.

tomorrow my favorite roommate goes through the temple for the first time. 

tomorrow night is her bachelorette party. 

tomorrow's tomorrow she gets married. 

and i have to miss it. 

so... i'm sad. 

i'm not depressed. 

i'm just... sad. 

this is me being honest... me being vulnerable. 

i don't do that. i don't allow myself to be vulnerable. 

i really only let myself really feel things in private. (this is kind of hard when i've shared a room for the last two years of my life ;P)

maybe that's why...

today.

it represents reality. 

truth. 

fear. 

ugly. 

beauty. 

"this present day."

everything.

my mother told me today that i don't talk. i think i say plenty. 

maybe it's my fault people aren't listening. 

today is thursday. 

old english origin: day of thunder. 

i heard it.

it wasn't cloudy today but i didn't enjoy it - the sun. i knew what today was. i knew what tomorrow could have been. i kept dwelling on too many yesterdays. 

today a friend of mine reunited with many people. i wasn't there. i'm strangely finding that a lot easier to deal with than missing the wedding. 

i don't know why. 

i don't regret my decision to come home - though it's been difficult. i keep reminding myself that there is a reason why i'm down here. 

yesterday. 

...

"on the day before today."

lessons

i look forward to tomorrow, i do. i'm just going to allow myself to feel the sadness. 

i'm going to allow myself to. 

now there's a weird sentence. 

sociology

alright, can i take a moment to do another critique on society? 

thanks.

i really believe that the media, all forms of it, represent society and its values. 

i think that we have made great progress in many areas. 

today's focus: feminism. gasp! 

i was watching becoming jane the other day and made the comment that i would have hated to live back then, especially as a woman. they had so many duties to fulfill to others. 

"what is she doing?"

"writing."

"can anything be done about it?" emphasis added

ahem?

books were the entertainment of the day and to put a woman in a successful vocation for that 

entertainment was, of course, ludicrous. add in the marriage pressure. marriage was how women measured their own success. 

have we changed?

enter into the world:

louisa may alcott

the bronte sisters

beatrix potter

margaret mitchell

lois lowry

maya angelou

to name a few.

today the main entertainment of the day is music. which brings me to the critique i mentioned earlier. 

a couple of years back i remember an episode of oprah where she had on a few rappers. they discussed that there is a problem with the music being demeaning to women. uh... amen. 

ok, i can forgive the rugged sex for having that state of mind, i can. however, i never thought that i would have to hear those of the "weaker" one demean themselves and soak the listeners in with the beat - this doesn't help the problem. 

por ejemplo:

"my life would suck without you" - kelly clarkson

basically... what this song is saying is: you left because you wanted anyone else but me but you came back and sort of said that you're sorry. i must have messed up somehow here but it's ok because you're back. my life would suck without you.

no. bad, kelly, bad. 

is this the sequel to "since you've been gone"? because in that song you were more than happy to get on with your life after he left you. what happened? 

(i confess to be a victim of being sucked into liking this song at first because of the beats... then i actually listened to it. my bad.)

por ejemple dos:

"please don't leave me" - pink 

same chick who sang that one song about how she's still a rockstar or something... now begging this kid not to leave, even though she has done all these horrible things to him. of course he's going to leave. first of all, girl, you cwazy. second of all, stop listing all these horrible things about yourself, especially if you don't want him to leave. 

por ejemplo tres:

lady gaga. one word: gross. a gross of gross. listening to her music may cause me to want to just dance, dance, dance; but i definitely do not want to be playing her love game or her 

version of texas hold 'em. add that to the outfits that she displays, nothing short of prostitution. 

por ejemple cuatro:

taylor swift. love her voice but... what the heck is her problem? is she really stuck in fairy tale land? p.s. you're not rapunzel, or sleeping beauty, or juliet. good luck finding a guy that really acts like one of those princes, as for me, i'd rather have someone who acts like one of those dwarves. no wonder "drew" never loved you. harsh? stop being a pansy!

what happened to songs like "R.E.S.P.E.C.T.," "think," and "i will survive"? do we have to rely on aretha for these messages?

no wonder songs like "don't trust me" are rampant on the airwaves, we're giving them permission to publish them.

i mean, a lot men are trying to remind us that we are pretty cool. "1, 2, 3, 4" - plain white tees, "come back to me" - david cook (not a pansy song), "she is love" - parachute, "everything" - lifehouse. to name a few. 

basically, i didn't think that we were headed into a regression, ladies. 

sorry to Abigail Adams, Margaret Sanger, Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Elizabeth Blackwell, Rosa Parks, Lucille Ball, Katharine Hepburn, etc. some of us are trying, i hope and promise.

some old wise lady told me that i wouldn't be happy in life unless i decided to be so. i'm the only one who can make me happy. no man is going to replace me, no one can. my mom's not old ;)

enter into the world: 

condoleeza rice

tina fey

meryl streep

diane keaten

wistie bowman?