a casa

so... i'm home. yep, it's true.

did you know that the roads here are legitimate!? because they are. 

so slight mishap at the airport... 

i have three pieces of luggage and my backpack. fit everything i could in there. 

the biggest one was 87 pounds or something like that. didn't think it would be that big of a deal. 

p.s. it was

they wanted to charge me $210 to have that and another suitcase on the plane. 

um... no.

frantic (luckily i was there at the airport extra, extra early), i called my mommy. 

"call your uncle (pilot - yes!) and see when he's coming down to phoenix next. or... see who's coming to the valley. i think so and so and/or mr. and mrs. what's their face is in utah right now."

huzzah! 

i have a smart mommy. 

called the uncle - he said yes

now... how to i get that taken care of... i'm at the airport... with no car. 

call the aunt that dropped me off - i have an awesome aunt. 

breath of relief... now. 

while i waited for her return. i called liesel - i was still feeling... what's the right word... i

 already used frantic (pause while i use thesaurus.com)... choose your favorite from the

 following: agitated, angry, at wits' end, berserk, beside oneself*, corybantic, crazy,

 delirious, deranged, distraught, excited, flipped out, fraught, freaked out, frenetic, frenzied, furious,

 hectic, hot and bothered*, hot under the collar*, hyper, in a stew, in a tizzy,

 insane, keyed up, mad, out of control, overwrought, rabid, raging, raving, shook

 up, spazzed out, unglued, unscrewed, unzipped, violent, weird, weirded out,

 wigged out, wild, wired*, worked up, zonkers. because of the

 very fast-paced stress of the past 15 minutes. 

after talking to her, she calmed me down, said it worked better this way, i saved $25, etc... i felt better. 

i was ready to embark into arizona. 

talked to two elders returning home. i felt a kinship with them even though we

 hadn't gone through nearly the same experience - we were all going home, that's all that mattered. 

[insert small plane space - smaller than normal - bad cookie, one soda, and time here] 

landed. 

i walked out of the plane and paused in the space between the plane and the tunnel - heat.

kept walking, saw the family of the japanese elder, got on the escalator, heard th

e screams of the family, smiled, and then saw my mom. huzzah! home.

the green tahoe

my daddy

a beautiful display of road

the 60

val vista

the stake center - detour

the house

the bed

the bathroom

my sister is in disneyland so i can't see her until the 2nd, but she's cute. this is what i found:

she must have known that i wouldn't have my toiletry items... look - it's my own personal brand!

"wistie, I heart u! I am sorry I couldn't be here when you got here! Hope you have fun this weekend. Heart always, Ciera Jo."

also, guess who's is whos!

the journey

yesterday was long. not only was it long, it was super long: starting at 3 am and ending at midnight.

after sleeping for three hours and working for ten i was released from the place of employment at 8 o'clock.

as i walked outside, i put in my earphones to listen to the discorded genius of ennio marricone: to be the soundtrack to the genius of khaled hosseini i was reading. 

so enthralled was i in this that i didn't take note of one my favorite states of weather;

i felt the breeze wisp the hair across my cheek

i smelled the storm

i recognized the cloud cover

exhausted in more then three ways, i began down the hill that requires involuntary acceleration. the lingering pains of the difficulties of the semester added to the weight of the day and i couldn't control my emotions as much as i would have liked. i felt the tears well up in the corners of my eyes and i summoned the energy to avoid wetting hosseini's words. 

a impulsive wind forced my attention for a brief moment

the clouds kissed my nose

once

and again to let me know that they really cared. 

i closed the book

allowed one single tear to join the other drops on the pavement

i looked up at the sky to say, "thank you" out loud

a smile found its way on my face

my eyes closed and my arms opened

a surge of happiness filled my body

i started to notice the beauty of everything around me

there was light in the day

my senses are filled with spring

i really, really wanted to ride this plane, it was high enough to make it exciting, too bad i'm not four anymore.

no.

i'm so grateful for the experiences i have. i know that i have them for a reason, so i can grow, so i can help others when they go through a similar thing. i like being there for people and knowing what i can do to help through whatever they are going through. i yearn to be able to understand. the bad part about this is, i don't particularly like it when people say that they understand what i'm going through - i feel like they don't. i guess i can learn from that as well. 

and at the same time i want someone to always be there when i need them, to know that i need them, to know. 

por ejemplo:

i used to have a really, really bad temper (i can still feel it start to flare up at times). i'm talking about punching holes, scaring my sister into hiding kind of temper. it took seeing my sister cry and a long time to overcome this challenge. so when i saw my sister begin to flare up (and it really does feel like a flame: starting small and spreading until there is no control), i knew what that was like. i took her aside when she had lost control (and it is like losing control, quite literally) and asked her to calm down, hit the pillow, not the door or a human; breathe. she screamed, i explained to her what i went through and asked if that was how she was feeling. i like to believe that that helped. that she knew that i went through the same thing. 

it felt good to see her calm down after that. i don't know if it really helped, but i believe it did. 

so, the point of the moral of the story is: i must be going through this so i can overcome something, and maybe be able to be there when someone else is trying to overcome that something of their own; so they know that they can connect with somebody. 

i don't know... just my thoughts of late.

bring it

so far, 2009 has provided me with an extensive array of varied experiences.

how's that for vague?

if you know me at all you should know that i hate labels. not the kind of labels like white, black; male, female; mexican, mongolian - those are innate labels that are obvious and contribute to a person's character. i don't like being defined by what someone else thinks is an appropriate jurisdiction of who or what i am. 

if you know me at all you should know that i'm really not as rough and tough as others may imply. don't get me wrong, i'm strong but i have a vast collection of scars - some have re-opened, "my heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closing." -leona lewis. 

if you know me at all you should know that i'm proud of who i am and the past that has gotten me to be the person you know. i live my life, it's as simple as that. however, there is something about me that i have... misplaced. i don't know what it is but i hope to re-discover it during the hot upcoming months. 

so far, 2009 has provided me with an extensive array of varied experiences. 

how's that for specific?

i have felt what it feels like to miss someone. people say that a lot, "i miss you." until recently, i never really knew what that felt like. or at least i didn't recognize the feeling. 

i miss you.

it is a really significant phrase.

with "i" representing the whole of the person.

with "miss" being literal as in lacking, void, or omitting.

with"you" representing a functional part of the person. 

also see "you complete me" [insert air-drawn heart here]

i have felt under-appreciated. no one has the right to say something that makes you feel inferior. they just don't. also, no one has the right to say something or act in a way that makes you feel unwanted. 

i have felt over-appreciated. i like hearing people say compliments. i have this friend and whenever we speak to each other, she never fails to let me know how much she appreciates me and is grateful to me. it's a mutual appreciation, i hope 

at the same level. i never leave a conversation between us thinking anything negative about myself. 

so far, 2009 has provided me with an extensive array of varied experiences. 

family

friends

fun

infatuation.

i couldn't think of a synonym for 'love" that started with 'f'

i don't think i've looked forward to a summer more than i am looking forward to this one. 

it has started

i am done

it is beautiful outside

why am i inside then?

peace!

bring it

don't worry, be happy now.

since my epiphanical (i may have made that word up) moment on sunday, my life has been so great. i remember what it feels like to be happy. and great things have happened to me. it's truly amazing how your attitude does change everything. 

the only bad thing: my foot. i really don't know what happened. the pain fluctuates. i think it's going away

ok... the only other bad thing: the freaking blizzard yesterday! what the what!? 

good things:

i have one test left

i got asked out (thanks to kel, she wanted credit on the wedding announcement if we got married, hopefully this will suffice for now)

my roommates threw a party in honor of my upcoming birthday (which they will miss)

i went to a really cool place and flirted with a really cute bartender

i'm wearing a yellow shirt in protest of the lingering winter

i went to a black and white dance party (wearing bunny ears and a tail) and somebody asked if i meant to look like the playboy bunny

the sun re-appeared today

it rained!!!! 

i made somebody smile

i made somebody laugh

i got a really, really good hug

yesterday marked exactly two weeks until i go home

...

i'll stop.

and rain will make the flowers grow

it's no secret that i'm a mild fan of the rain. 

as i left the building after work today, i couldn't stop myself in my excitement - despite my mysteriously injured foot. it was raining!

i twirled, i jumped in a puddle, i looked up towards the sky and let the drops cover my face. 

i did all of this while others prepared their umbrellas. 

wimps. 

i was worried about walking home, my foot is really quite in pain. but with the company of the precipitation, it was more bearable. every once in a while, i would jump over a puddle and land and have to take a breather, but it was mostly an enjoyable trip home.

the rain, well, the rain is just awesome. 

someone's facebook status was complaining about the rain the other day. i weirdly got offended on behalf of my nature-love. 

so, i feel cleansed through the rain, i'm going to go back out there and play in it. 

whole grain

WARNING:

the following blog is rather raw. contrary to popular belief and practice, wistie (and by wistie, i mean me) is rather vulnerable. evidence to follow. 

i have a confession. finally, i'm publishing this confession to those who may read this.

the last couple of weeks i have felt extremely lonely. i realize that this feeling is illogical because i'm surrounded by people and have countless people that i can call. 

logic had nothing to do with how i was feeling. 

at least once each day for the past week i could feel tears fighting to feel the skin on my face; i could sense that skin grow red in cold emotion. it was awful, i hated it. i would wander around

 in thought and dig myself deeper into my isolation. 

i could go on about the reasons behind this feeling, but i won't. it's not necessary and may only make others sad. 

last week was general conference. saturday's sessions were filled with things that i thought were aimed towards me, someone wrote those words for me. i heard the following scripture many times and it gave me the comfort i needed then, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;" Doctrine and Covenants 121:7. 

it seemed that that would've been enough. but my lonely feeling started getting deeper and stronger; i found myself not wanting to hang out with anyone, i would rather walk around provo, by myself (with my newly purchased pepper spray) for hours. something that is extremely uncharacteristic of me.

usually if i'm feeling lonely, i make myself go and hang out with people. the people i normally hang out with were off somewhere i didn't want to be. i tried to find others to hang out with but they were busy and somewhere i couldn't be without any mode of transportation besides my feet. 

yesterday it seemed that loneliness was the only feeling existent in my soul. i just wanted to curl up somewhere and just cry. i hated being that way. it wasn't... me. 

this morning i woke up early, still feeling horrible. than i decided to change my attitude. 

that was a good step. 

i wasn't completely rid of this drooping state of mind but i did feel better. i decided to go to an earlier ward with some friends this morning, i wanted to start the day early and right.

i'm so grateful for easter, the messages today were exactly what i needed to hear. those nagging

 tears kept bugging my ducts during the entire sacrament meeting but my eyelids are on my side and didn't let any roll out. but these tears were different. they were releasing tears, not "my life sucks" tears. 

the message that i needed was (and is) "i am not alone, i will never be alone."

many references to elder holland's talk came up. i was deeply impressed with it last week but i needed the aforementioned scripture then, the milk if you will. i now needed that talk, the meat, i needed to hear it over and over again until it sunk in. i came home and watched him say the words, and i let one of those annoying tears feel that skin it thirsted for. i felt whole again. i felt myself again. 

i looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. 

"sleep on now, and take your rest..." Matthew 26:45

el hogar es donde está el corazón

i bought my ticket. i'm going home on april 29th. i shall be arriving around 5:20, via delta airlines. i cannot wait to feel my sweat ooze out of my body, melting me in that excruciating heat.it does feel like home. 

"home is where the heart is" i have found that to be true. 

part of my heart resides in that small town, in that beautiful dollhouse on the corner of two dirt

roads. but that was a long time ago. it's not the same down there anymore. there are fences... that's not what i want to remember.

i fell in love with the desert, i still don't think it's the most beautiful thing in the world, but i

long for it. 

i'll be there for the monsoon.

standing in my back yard, it's hot but i feel refreshed with the water pounding against my skin.

my toes feel the mud seeping up through the grass. the wind whips my wet hair across my face. it's dark, but the world is lit by one, two, three strikes of bolts. the thunder soon follows. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... the crashing melody of that sound echoes and lingers in my soul.

the trampoline gains buoyancy with the rain, jumping on it with my sister is one of the best

 memories i have in my backyard. 

i also miss baking on sunday afternoons with that one sister of mine... 

the parentals are napping or watching tv. the brothers are... who cares? 

"cj, let's go make whicker cake..." 

"ciera, stop eating the batter! do you want more batter or cake?"

"... cake."

"really? i would've said batter."

i am really looking forward to new adventures with these boys that call themselves my brothers (i bought pepper spray, you happy?) i need to better my game... at a lot of things, they tell me they'll help me. 

playing games. 

pounding the table with our fists, 

screaming, "cheater!!!" "i never cheat..."

pushing arms out of the way so i can't move my cards... "i'm not competitive..." "uh huh..."

punching the air, bowling with air... 

sudden silence, sudden laughter, sudden screams, sudden... monkey face?

food. 

i could go on and on... and on... and on so all i'll say is...

"mommy, can i have cinnamon rolls? and sweet and sour chicken? and enchiladas? and strawberry pie?... for now."

"please?"

there are so many other things i am looking forward to as well. but... i have to finish this provo thing for a while. 

word of the day:

irrational.

from all sides i have had to deal with this lately, as in the last couple of weeks. 

confession: mostly, it's been me that's been the criminal, not the victim. 

i really do think that everyone deserves a chance every now and again to act out irrationally. no one can and shouldn't be 100% sane all of the time. 

i'm just grateful for friends and family who understand this:

thanks for listening.

thanks for being considerate.

thanks for yelling back.

thanks for giving me space.

thanks for being the voice of reason, especially because i didn't want to hear it.

thanks for agreeing with my point of view, whether or not it was correct.

thanks for being there. 

thanks for the privilege of calling you friend.